Sitting on a couch should NOT be newsworthy....

Going a bit political today.

I have stated before, I did not vote for President Trump, but he was elected and therefore is my president, and I pray for him, his family, and his responsibility. I listen to Talk Radio, news shows and things of that nature often. I like keeping in the know, nationally, globally, and locally. And in the past few weeks since President Trump was elected I have noticed that the mainstream media every hour of every day finds something to critique, ridicule, or blow out of proportion that he does or his administration.

This very morning the following article showed in my Facebook newsfeed:

Conway criticized for kneeling on oval office couch

And the attached picture:

The lady in the picture is Kellyanne Conway, President Trumps adviser, and the very same lady who ran his successful presidential campaign. I have heard that she has occasionally said some things out of context, or that someone in that position so close to President of the United States should not say.

She is being criticized this morning for how she is sitting on the couch: the fact that her feet are tucked under her. The only real issue I have with her sitting on the couch is her knees should be together. Now, looking at the picture, she is the only person sitting, so she probably should have stood up. But somehow the media sees her sitting is lack or respect for the office.

I like that the article does outline that former President Obama routinely plopped his feet on White House furniture during meetings. From the article:

"Other users have countered with numerous photos of former President Barack Obama resting his feet on the office's famed resolute desk at various times during his eight years in office."

I never heard any outrage from the media or President Obama's supporters about his habit. But an adviser to the current President kneels on a couch and everyone is outraged.

I really am over the media the days. I am about ready to hang it up. No more news - none of it. I want to know what matters.

• How is our country going to end abortion?
• Will the current President rescind the Affordable Healthcare Act?
• What is going on in Israel and the Middle East?
• What are global missionaries doing in other countries?

I do not need my newsfeed blown up with a woman sitting on a couch, and everyone acting like it is the end of civility in our country.

My Biblical lesson from this issue is the following:

Colossians 3:23-24 (NLT)
²³ Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. ²⁴ Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.

We need to remember sisters, that all we do we need to do as is for the Lord. If you are working, work diligently and faithfully. Be mindful that someone is probably always watching you, and will want to trip you up, and you will not please everyone. But you do not need to please everyone, only your Father in Heaven.

Mrs. Conway seems a nice enough lady, she is human, she will make mistakes. I feel that the media these days wants to restore dignity and decorum to the Presidency, back to the years of Lady Bird Johnson or even Nancy, or The Kennedy's, but they have been silent through the past few years. They are acting like Mrs. Conway's behavior has never been seen, but the former president they now miss had less respect for the dignity of the office in which he served. At times I lament, and want to go back in time to a period when politics, money, and religion were taboo topics. But those cats were let out of the bag decades ago and the bag is lost. So going forward, lets talk about what matters, lets give grace when it is needed, and lets be merciful to others.

An Opportunity to Show Mercy

 God is so sweet to us. When you are struggling, He will provide an opportunity for you to grow and overcome.

The past week I have been busy cutting out 256 squares, 5 inch by 5 inch, to make a king size quilt. I am making this quilt in the memory of Charli, and to give myself something to hold. That has been one of my hardest adjustments, I was pregnant and never got to hold my baby, my child. And so I have decided to make something, something I can hold.

It has been a while since I have quilted, the last one I made was for Stone, so it has been over 2 years. And I have never made one this large. The largest was a queen sized quilt, and that was the very first quilt I ever made.

Last night I finished cutting the squares out, and then laid them out in the order I wanted them. Then I collected them in batches so I could prepare to sew them together. The top piece will take me a week or two to put together if I diligently dedicate time to it. I am not going to rush. I have Precept, my husband has his ministry class, Abigail starts T-Ball this week, and Stone will begin potty training soon. Needless to say we are busy, and I want to give this quilt the proper attention needed.

Here are all 256 pieces laid out on my living room floor. The perfect sized quilt that my family can all lay on and watch movies together with - someday.

So, I titled this post about showing mercy, and as of yet I have not explained. 

My sweet husband woke up with an ear infection this morning. So I took the kids to church by myself, but we only stayed for Connection Groups. The rest of today has been cleaning, tidying, and cooking! One of my husbands sweet clients gave us pheasant. Well my husband could not wait to try it, so I found a recipe. That required me to go to the grocery store (solo time!). As I entered the subdivision he messaged me the following:

"Sorry babe. Went to the restroom once I realized the kids were to quiet came back and Stone got into your quilt stuff and messed up how you had it stored."

I almost began to cry. I was thinking of 256 squares scattered and out of place. When I came home I saw my sewing box open and empty. And I saw fabric...my heart sunk. I also heard my 2 year old crying from his bedroom. 

Upon closer inspection, the fabric was my extra pieces. And my basket of 256 squares was safely in place, untouched.

I had my husband bring me my son, and I talked to him as I put my box back together. I was calm, but let him know that what he did was not okay, that he even could have been hurt. He sniffled, and cried. And once I completed restoring my sewing box, I brought him to me and hugged him and kissed his head.

I am sad to say, that had I stumbled across this disarray instead of being prepared for it, I doubt I would have been as merciful. Throughout my life I have struggled with bursts of anger in situations like today. I am not proud of it, I am acutely ashamed and hate that fleshly side of me. But I am grateful that I was able to talk to my son, and love him through his wrong action today instead of being mad at him and wanting to get onto him. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to show mercy today.

Hope from the Post Office

I received a sweet and caring gift this evening after work.
A Hope Box. Gifts for those who have lost a child - no matter the age of the child. There was a sweet personalized letter, embroidered handkerchief, a journal, and some reading material.

If you ever know anyone in need of one, just ask.

Mad at God?

I cannot hate God. I am not mad at God. I am commanded to love God I will  - no matter my circumstance. God is good.

Hebrews 13:8, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

Psalm 136:1, "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever."

God is good and he loves me. I am mourning, but my hope is in God. Isaiah 55: 8&9, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD, For as the heavens are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." I do not understand why Brock and I are going through this tragedy. Again I say, as I did in my last post, there is no word to describe a parent who has lost a child.

But, it is okay. I am okay with not understanding , I am trusting in God. Should God impart why this has happened,I will bless his name. Should God never impart why this has happened, I will bless his name. "And he said, 'Naked I came from my mothers womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.' In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong." - Job 1: 21 & 22

There is no word to describe.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

In all the wonder of the world, there is no word for the loss of a child.

Saturday, January 28, 2017 I miscarried our unexpected blessing. The feeling of that process is to devastating to explain. The sensation of the loss and then the gut feeling of knowing what juts happened, a mother's instincts are sharp.

Sunday, January 22 I started bleeding. I called the doctor right away, was put on bed rest for the day, and told to schedule with  my doctor a time sometime in the week to meet. I was assured that this is not uncommon.

Wednesday, January 25 my mother-in-love accompanied me to the doctor and I had my 3rd inner ultrasound. We saw the baby, the fetal pull, but the sac was small, but my doctor seemed optimistic. I went on with life, still bleeding and my lower back hurting, but comforted that the baby was well.

Friday, January 27, my back still hurting, my stomach felt out of sorts. The bleeding was continuing, and I was a nervous wreck. Nothing was normal... I cried myself to sleep.

Early the next morning my sweet baby boy woke up way too early wanting to watch Harry Potter. I shooed him into the other room and told him I would be right there. I stood up out of bed and felt something inside me fall. Then I heard my baby girl saying she wanted to watch Harry Potter too (they are obsessed with movies 1-3 and that is all we watch anymore - thankfully a certain Ice Princess seems to have been forgotten and her song to Let it Go!). I put a brave face on, I set them up with a snack and the movie, then excused myself to my bedroom.

There are things you know, without even knowing that you know, and when you see you just understand. And if you doubt what you are seeing, there is the web to search which can confirm for you. God's blessing was on me Saturday, as my doctor was the doctor on call for the weekend. I called the weekend number, not even sure how to describe what I was going through and my wonderful doctor called me right away. We talked for almost 10 minutes, and with all I said, all my symptoms, she told me I had miscarried, but that we would confirm Monday morning. She wanted me to call as soon as her office opened, talk to her nurse, and they would make sure I was seen right away.

My husband cancelled his clients and came home to be with me. We spent the majority of Saturday at home, just being. Not much was done or accomplished, just the act of being in each others presence. We told our parents what we were going through.

Sunday we got up and we went to church. We told our classes we were having more testing done the next morning, that even more complications had arisen.

Yesterday we got up and we started our day. My parents agreed to take the kids to school so Brock and I could make to the doctor as early as possible. Our sweet and inquisitive four year old asked why Papa and Nana were taking them to school and not myself (mommy). We informed her that the doctor wanted to see the baby, make sure all was well. She accepted that answer, but I could tell her four year old mind had questions.

Traffic was ridiculous, but this is the week of Super Bowl 51 and my doctor's office is right down the road from NRG stadium, so it wasn't unexpected. We arrived early, I made the phone call to upstairs. My doctor has the best nurses. They are sweet, quick, and efficient. I absolutely love her nurses. Brock and I got on the elevator to head up, and our doctor was on the elevator with us. The compassion and sympathy on her face almost did me in. She asked how we were, and we responded numb, and we will find out soon.

There is a receptionist at my doctor's practice who I do not get along with - I think she is the rudest woman on earth, very unsympathetic and judgmental. It is on my heart to pray for her, and I do. But I did not want to deal with her yesterday, and God intervened. We were able to talk with the other receptionist and she is friendly, cheerful and helpful. We went back into the rooms area, and one of the nurses was with us. She is such a joy, and she asked questions, and you could see on her face what she was thinking. We entered the ultrasound room. I have been in that room more this month than I have ever been with my first two pregnancies combined. You learn the drill, and the nurse and I did all our motions. Then we waited. My husband even knew where he needed to be, and he was there in position when our doctor came in. Not much chit chat, we got right to it. The screen was empty - no more sac.

Our baby was gone.

Our doctor gave us some comforting words (as comforting as they could be for the situation). She informed us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. That she is grateful for us that we have two healthy children already, that when it is the first pregnancy that ends this way, it takes longer for the parents to recover. We discussed what I need to watch for and what I need to do the next few weeks, and that was essentially that.

Brock stepped out to start the family phone calls. I headed to the nurses area to set up the lab appointments I need to take care of. My doctor encouraged me to find a group or a person to talk to about all this. I told her that Saturday I had started to look and had found a surprising amount of options considering most people do not talk about miscarriage. And I said we are blessed to have an amazing community of friends, family, and church around us, that we should be good. And she agreed, she was encouraged that for almost all my appointments this go I have always had someone with me - I have not been on this road alone.

So yesterday we let the world know that our baby, Charli by the way, is no longer with us. The day we found out we were expecting, we let our 4 and 2 year old know. Abigail, in her bright and matter of fact way of saying things, proclaimed, ""It's a girl named Charli." My mother's father was Charlie, Charles, but everyone called him Charlie. He passed away shortly after Brock and I met, and one of my joys is that my Papa and my husband met each other. I am not the type of person to wait, so I have been trying out names, as has my husband the past few weeks. and for a girl, I was loving Charli Ann or Charli Grace. And boy names were Charles Richard, Charles Samuel...nothing set in stone, but we were dreaming. And so through this, I have called the baby, I have talked to baby and have said, "Fight Charli, mommy can't do anything, but you can fight."

The outpouring of love, prayers, hugs, and condolences is overwhelming. Our family truly is blessed to be loved by so many.

Abigail and Stone do not know yet. How do you tell young children? I honestly thought Abigail would run up to me at pick up yesterday and ask about our appointment. Neither child peeped last night about the doctor visit or the baby. And so now we are waiting. The preschool knows we lost the baby (many of the staff their are friends), but that the kids do not. My prayer is that when the time comes, God will give me the words to use that will help Abigail understand. Stone is too young a this point to truly comprehend, I am not even sure he really has comprehended the pregnancy. This will be Abigail's first real experience with loss, and at such a young age I am not sure how to guide her through this.

I am not sure I know how to comprehend this event. I have lost a child. But I have nothing to "show" for it. There will be no funeral, no burial, no obituary. Just a scar on my heart, a date written in my Bible, and a pregnancy journal put away.

Someone asked Brock how this experience has been for us. The obvious is a rollercoaster: high's and low's, twists and turns. But also a band aid. You remove a band aid in one of two ways: fast and quick to be done with it, or slow in hopes of avoiding the sting. This experience has been a slow band aid. And so has our grief and mourning. After the first appointment I was mournful because everything showed a blighted ovum and that we would lose the baby. But then we had upbeat blood work and we saw the fetal pull flickering on the ultrasound. Then I started to bleed, then it looked like the baby was fine and growing, and now the actual loss.  I cried on Saturday when my husband came home. And I cried yesterday on the drive home from the doctor's office when it occurred to me that I needed to tell him the baby's name was Charli. but other than that I haven't cried. now grief is a funny thing, I know people who get angry and get over things, I know those who cry non-stop for days. Everyone mourns differently, and I don't know how I am going to grieve or when to be honestly. Right now though I am finding comfort in my faith, my family, and that one day I will see Charli. I have found some online communities that are a place for the grieving, and I have found some resources on how to cope. I am waiting for those to come in. Those who know us know the story, but I haven't shared it with strangers who can relate. Right now I am reading and seeing how others have found comfort in this situation. I am also reading. Psalms have been a great help, as has my precept studies this semester. This world is not it. There is more for those of us who believe.

I have commented to people that I am grateful that this has happened at this point in my life. I recognize that my walk is about as strong as it has ever been, and had this tragedy happened at any other point I would not be at peace as I am now.

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)
⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I am at peace. I am sad, but I can know that my husband and I will get through this. We will move on, we will be stronger, and we both recognize that God has a plan in all this. I could not imagine going through this with out Christ as my Savior. Through the past few weeks Bible verses have come to my mind, verses that have comforted me. And that is only possible because I have spent dedicated time in the Bible reading and memorizing it, and the fact that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lives in me.

 

Charli Shuman

January 28, 2017

 

 

Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

No matter, we will praise Him

My first appointment after my pregnancy test did not go as expected.

We were not able to see the baby. I will be 10 weeks along tomorrow and my doctor does not question the due date. She told me the words blighted ovum. Essentially I am pregnant but more than likely the baby is not developing properly and I will more than likely lose the pregnancy.

I had more labs today, then Thursday morning I will know for sure what is going on.

This weekend was hard. I barely made it home from my appointment, I was crying the entire time. Crying, that is too nice a word, I was sobbing. My doctor has never thrown statistics at me, or percentages. She did on Friday, she reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, this is how the body is supposed to work.

I spent most of the weekend on the couch. If my children wanted, I cuddled on them. We told our 4 year old that the baby in mommy's tummy might be sick, and if it is, that God was going to take it to heaven to be with Him. Saturday she got all her doctor dress up toys out, came to me and said she was going to fix the baby in my tummy. I nearly lost it. She is such a sweet and compassionate child. This morning during my quiet time, she crawled up in my lap, and just sat with me. She cuddled with me while I read and wrote. Eventually she looked up at me and asked me if the baby was in my tummy. I told her only God knew.

I shared late Saturday with our community what we are going through. The amount of prayer and support is overwhelming. I made it to church yesterday, connection group and service. Most people were aware of the news that we could be losing the baby, some did not. Everyone has been amazing with prayer and love. I have had people I know reach out to me and tell me that they have miscarried and are here for me if I need them.

I am trusting God. He can work a miracle and let me not be as far along. Or he can chose to take this baby. His ways are not our ways, but I am still going to trust and obey him. I am sad, my heart breaks for my husband and daughter (our son is too young to understand), I am sad for our parents who might not get a chance to meet this little love, and I am thankful.

Thankful for the opportunity to be pregnant again. Thankful for the love of those around me. Thankful I am apart of a family of believers in Christ who are praying for me, my pregnancy, my family. There is a difference in life when you walk with the Lord. I could not imagine going through all this as a non-believer.

Blighted Ovum