Generation Innocence Taken

Being a parent in this day and age is a challenge that I don't think any of us are prepared for. And if you are a Believer, a Christian, it is even harder. I do remember a time in my life when I said I would not have children; that the world was crazy insane and it wasn't worth it. 

Now, that being said, being a parent is 100% worth it! I love my children. And you can call me a mama bear, you can call me a tiger mom, I would like to think I'm somewhere in between.

I'm going to go with a lion mom who is protecting her cubs. In my connection group we've recently read "In the Middle of the Mess" by Sheila Walsh. Near the end of the book, Sheila talks about how somebody described her as a lioness, with the loyalty the, fierceness, the passion. And she couldn't handle that for a long while. That description, it was too strong to describe her Christian walk/life.

But that is what we need to be as mothers and if you're a guy who's reading this, you need to be a lion, be in charge of your pride: protect them, fight for them. There is a battle going on and our children are in the middle of it. The battle is for them, for their hearts, their minds, their bodies, but oh so more crucially it's for their souls. Jesus said the kingdom of God will be the children's, you have to have a childlike Faith to be in heaven and therefore Satan is going after our children.

Matthew 18 (NASB)

Rank in the Kingdom

18 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, 3 and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; 6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Stumbling Blocks

7 “Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes!

8 “If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. 9 If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the [h]fiery hell.

10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven. 11 [For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.]

I have a hard time understanding how those that are not believers do not see the attacks that are happening to our children. Now there are actual literal attacks. In the Houston area there have been numerous children who have been murdered. Straight up, no question about it: a little girl was cut apart by her mother's boyfriend and that entire situation, while it united the city, the details though they are heartbreaking. Then another little boy was gunned down in the middle of a home invasion robbery. From there there's the drag queen story time issue (I have previously written about it: The Battle Line Has Been Drawn) that is going on nationwide and many of these individuals are sexual predators. And within the past few weeks there was a teenage sponsored drag queen event and a parent tried to remove their child and the parent was arrested.

And then there's the TV shows and movies pushing the LGBTQ "lifestyle".

• My Little Pony:
• My Little Pony Introduces Its First Lesbian Charters with Same-Sex Couple Making Cartoon Debut
• My Little Pony brings lesbians to Equestria - just in time for pride week
• Arthur
• 'Arthur' Creator Defends Gay Marriage episode Following Backlash
• 'Arthur' Opens Season With a Same-Sex Wedding and a Cake
• Toy Story 4
• There's an LGBTQ Moment Lurking in "Toy Story 4"
• Toy story 4 Promotes LGBTQ Agenda
• One Million Moms Protest 'Toy STory 4' Over 'Dangerous' Lesbian Scene

The entertainment industry is doing everything it can to make it seem normal. In regards to Toy Story 4, I took my kids to see the movie; I never heard a peep about the scene. I will say it was very discreet, nothing flashy or over the top, but that is how they're doing it. They're not always dressing up as demonic drag queens with glitter and paint. They're just making it look so normal as a couple dropping their child off for kindergarten and then picking that child up.

I want to say not everybody who is lesbian or gay is demonic or deranged. I've read the studies, a lot of people who fall into the LGBTQ lifestyle/movement have had a trauma or an abuse and my heart breaks for them it really does. And what I will also say is Jesus loves everyone, salvation is for everyone and Jesus does not want anyone to sin and He doesn't want anyone to perish. 

Now back to the children. Moms and dads we have got to stand up, enough is enough! We are the parents, we have a say in what our children are exposed to. My Little Pony is not a cartoon that will be allowed in my house anymore and I will not spend my money on the items. Now we already have items in the house: toys, books and pajamas but we are not going to buy more. And because My Little Pony decided to introduce a lesbian couple getting married I had to explain it to my six and a half year old what is same-sex marriages. I will say having a child whose as is as inquisitive as my six and a half year old is has definitely taught me how to have conversations about the deep spiritual things at a childlike level. 

So say a prayer for your preschool and Elementary ministers right now because kudos to them. They do this on a semi-regular basis and wow. 

I'm dubbing my children's generation as innocence taken because that is what the enemy is trying to do. If he can steel their innocence, in a sense he's gotten them. If our children are no longer innocent at a young age they become hard, they they grow up too fast. 

And I am so grateful that this summer that I have been able to keep my children at home. They are spending one to two hours a day outside in the sunshine: playing with chalk, trucks, bubbles; collecting lizards, flowers, snails, and frogs. It's beautiful and they're watching way too many movies, eating way too many snacks, taking naps. I love it. They are getting to have a childhood, one that is reminiscent of mine which is fabulous, but also they are getting to spend time with your grandmother and that is time, that is precious. And not only have they been at home, they went to Vacation Bible School (now called Kids Camp). They've had swim lessons, we had a family reunion. And next week my Nugget is going to spend time with his dad for a few days: swimming, fishing going to  the movies. And then my daughter is going to go to an amazing week-long camp at our church. She will have the time of her life and I'm so excited she gets to experience it and then before you know it schools going to start and back to life like that but I really am grateful that I have been able to give my children an innocent childhood summer experience. 

Here is what we need to do to ensure that this summer of innocence carries over into the school year. 

• We need to be praying.
• We need to be not spending money on items, toys, movies that promote ideas/beliefs that go against God's word.
• We need to explain to our children why will not be spending money on such things. It's okay to let them know that while the show might be funny, pretty, awesome (pick your adjective,), anything that goes against God's word is not okay.
• We need to make sure that our children understand God's word, that they know God's word.
• It needs to go beyond just the simple Bible story knowledge. They need to know what Jesus tells his Believers, how they're supposed to live, who the apostles were and how they spread the gospel
• Don't put it past your children, they can learn scripture. Plant those seeds. I am so grateful that my husband and I have managed to send our children to a Christian private school. It has been a sacrifice, but it is one that is well worth it. Last year our daughter (in kindergarten) learned 26 versus, one for each letter of the alphabet, additionally Psalm 100 and 23 along with John 3:16 and 17. She is working on her scripture memory for this upcoming school year: she has ten sets of scriptures to learn about 6-8 versus long each. She is already memorized month 1 and has month 2 about 45% of the way done. She is 6.5 and her 4.5 year old brother, he's picking up pieces of it. And the other great thing about it, since I'm working with her to get her to memorize the scriptures, I'm learning the scriptures also.

Investing in God's word planting the seeds in your mind will not return void and it's a great way to help keep your children innocent. Friends be mindful of the movies, the music, the games, the books. Be mindful of everything. We have to be super vigilant, we cannot be lazy. God put the word "intentional" on my heart this year.

I need to be intentional in:

• my marriage 
• my parenting 
• my friendships
• my relationships.

And when it comes to parenting it's knowing what my children are being exposed to if we want to keep our children innocent and not have their innocence stolen. It is time to step up.

FAMILY: Growth

As of today, June 27th, I am 24 1/2 weeks pregnant.Less than 16 weeks until I get to meet our gift from God. Now, I have been quiet, even absent for a while. Everything has been going well, but with my husbands training schedule, I have been parenting solo most evenings, so once the kiddos are asleep, I rest. I pretty much veg out, and deal with my braxton hicks contractions.

Life has been good for our family, immediate and extended.

Mother's Day was glorious. We gathered at my in-love's house, our little unit, my brother/sister in love and their son, and my sil's parents. Church was good that morning, and we were all ready for some time together. My sil who lives 10 hours away texted me at one point when we were all gathered, to make sure we weren't eating yet. Notified her steaks were not even yet on the grill. 

Not even 10 minutes later she starts a Facetime conversation with my mil. Nothing out of the normal with this, since they live so far away, we cannot spend every holiday together, and the wonders of technology allow us to see each other in real time. It's beautiful!

As we are all waving/saying "hi" their youngest starts shouting, "I'm going to be a BIG brother!" It took a few yells for it to register with us. So yes, the Midland crew is growing to 5, due in January. We were all happy, hugging, and just overall excited by the extra growth in the family. Our bundle was a surprise, and now we weren't going to be the only ones sleep deprived but blessed.

A little while later lunch was ready and my middle bil said he wanted to lead the prayer. Nothing abnormal, we gather in the kitchen, hold hands and he begins. He then said, "And Lord, we pray for healthy pregnancy's for J (me), L (midland), and L(his wife).....I scream, her mother screams, kids looked confused, my mother in love looks dazed, and my husband says we broke his ear drum.

We never said Amen on that prayer.

But, the conclusion is, all three of us Shuman wives are pregnant.

I am due mid October

Middle SIL is due end of November, start of December

Farthest away SIL is due start to mid January

Our clan is going from 13 to 16, 5 grandchildren to 8!

Oh, and because time has flown since Mother's Day, 2 of us know what we are having.

The original granchild crew is this:

Boy - 6 year old - Midland Crew

Girl - 5 year old - Mine

Boy - 4 year old- Midland Crew

Boy - 3 year old - Mine

Boy - 3 year old - Middle Shuman Crew

My daughter has been the only girl in the group. Let me tell you, she was determined that we were having a girl. Unfortunately the ultrasound did not reveal that, nor did the silly string on the 1st Saturday in June. When it finally dawned on her that the blue meant a brother she flat out cried for 15 minutes.

The next weekend, after church, the kids and I drove up to see the Middle Shuman Crew at my sil's parents house. They did blood work to find out sooner if their son would get a brother or a daughter. WE arrive, and the cake is cut, because none of us are patient, and while we were there for lunch, the gender was the main reason for gathering. We saw blue icing, and hey, Shuman's make boys, no real surprise. But, my brother in law had a cannon, and he didn't shoot it off right away. And then he did.

PINK!

And all of us were confused....did this mean twins, a boy and a girl....or was the cake a decoy.

My sil reassured that twins were not in her oven, but in fact a little girl was. My daughter is now happy that at least she will have a girl cousin, since my husband and I disappointed her in making her yet another brother. 

My husband and I did have a name picked out for our next little boy, and in the week between I tried teaching both kids. Stone learned the baby's name quickly, he loved/s the fact that he gets a brother. Abigail didn't seem interested in learning it. But once she found out her aunt was having a girl, she magically learned the name.

Our little boy, due in less than 4 months, will be Ari Matthew Shuman. Ari means lion. Matthew means gift from God. And that he absolutely is. Once Fall hits, our lives, all of our lives, will never be the same with these three new little blessings. A girl name has yet to be decided for my first ever niece! And the Midland Crew will not know for a few more weeks what their #3 will be.

Praying for a Hard Person in the Call for Life

Do you know this woman? Do you know who she is? What her profession is?

Cecile Richards

If you are apart of the pro-life movement, or even follow it remotely, you know who she is. 
Cecile Richards. Since 2006 she has been the president of Planned Parenthood. Later this year she plans to step down from that position. Now that does sound like a reason to celebrate, especially if it meant that Planned Parenthood was finally shut down. But alas, no she is stepping down to further her ambitions as a writer. Her book, "Make Trouble," has the tag line of, "Standing Up, Speaking Out, and Finding the Courage to Lead."

I do not like who this woman is or what she "stands" for. I believe it is an absolute sign of the depravity and fallenness of this world when a woman leads an organization known for murdering millions of babies before birth. Thirteen months ago my husband and I lost a child, just weeks after finding out we had conceived. That time was hard. We cried, I yelled, I begged, I prayed, I pleaded with God - save Charli. It was not to be. Barely 3 weeks after discovering we were pregant with #3, we lost our sweet baby. And we have mourned - not always the prettiest or even the nicest, but thirteen months later, we have come out stronger together. As much as I could, I fought to save that life, that baby.

If you are friends with me personally, or follow the Facebook page for this blog (link), you know that a week ago, my husband and I found out that once again we are expecting #4. I am just barely 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, but pregnant is pregnant. Something my OB noted on the medical portal has irked me, "Very early pregnant." Maybe the hormones (which are doubling like they need to) have me sensitive, but "early" pregnant? That seems like double speak to me. I am sorry, but you are either pregnant or you are not. Not just a little pregnant or a lot pregnant. Pregnancy is an absolute. Yes you are. Or no you are not.

The woman above, she thinks, no, believes to her core, that I have every right to get rid of this child if:

• it is not convenient to have a baby right now
• to call my baby a lump of cells if the notion of aborting a "baby"is offensive
• if there is something "genetically" wrong with my fetus, by all means get rid of it
• that what I am carrying inside me isn't a baby, it is a lump of cells, or at most a fetus, but not a human being worth the dignity of having someone fight for it.

She is a mother and that baffles me to the core. How can a woman who has children fight for women to murder their own? 

I digress. I am not here to judge her, that is God's job. My job and your job is to pray for her. But not only her. She is stepping down from the butcher shop. She is going to be replaced. People have been selected to head the committee to replace her. My conviction is that her replacement will be more depraved, more inhuman than she could even imagine. Evil doesn't tame its self, evil doesn't dilute it's poison, it ramps it up. Evil spreads like cockroaches. 

Since Roe v. Wade (1973) over 50 million babies have been murdered. The blood of our land has been polluted by the murder of our young. They are crying for justice, and some day soon God will avenge them. Until then, until the Rapture, you and I need to pray. But not just for our friends, community, pastor's, loved one's. We need to pray for people like Cecile Richards and those like her. 

Matthew 5:43-48  (NASB)
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

If you are pro-life, a defender of God's creation, Satan and his ilk, those he uses for his wickedness will persecute you. Mrs. Richards was recently reported as saying, in response to President Trump wanting protections for Christians apposed to abortion who are in the medical field, she wants them to not have any protection, but be forced to give the abortions.

Brothers and Sisters, join me in prayer. We need to pray for the unborn, for the women who are at risk of manipulation of murdering their own child, pray for the individuals who are on the committee to replace Mrs. Richards, pray for her. Let heart's be changed, lives be saved. I leave you with some verses to pray for the situation at hand.

• 1 John 4:4 Dear children, you belong to God. So you have won the victory over these people, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 
• 2 Thessalonians 3:3 But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen
• Proverbs 1:33-34 but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, without fear of harm.” My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you,
• Proverbs 19:23 The fear of the LORD leads to life; one will sleep at night without danger. you and guard you from the evil one.
• Proverbs 12:21 No harm comes to the godly, but the wicked have their fill of trouble.
• Ecclesiastes 8:5 Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure.
• Deuteronomy 31:8 The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
• Psalm 46:1-2 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
• Psalm 9:9-10 The LORD is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you.
• Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe.

There is no word to describe.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

In all the wonder of the world, there is no word for the loss of a child.

Saturday, January 28, 2017 I miscarried our unexpected blessing. The feeling of that process is to devastating to explain. The sensation of the loss and then the gut feeling of knowing what juts happened, a mother's instincts are sharp.

Sunday, January 22 I started bleeding. I called the doctor right away, was put on bed rest for the day, and told to schedule with  my doctor a time sometime in the week to meet. I was assured that this is not uncommon.

Wednesday, January 25 my mother-in-love accompanied me to the doctor and I had my 3rd inner ultrasound. We saw the baby, the fetal pull, but the sac was small, but my doctor seemed optimistic. I went on with life, still bleeding and my lower back hurting, but comforted that the baby was well.

Friday, January 27, my back still hurting, my stomach felt out of sorts. The bleeding was continuing, and I was a nervous wreck. Nothing was normal... I cried myself to sleep.

Early the next morning my sweet baby boy woke up way too early wanting to watch Harry Potter. I shooed him into the other room and told him I would be right there. I stood up out of bed and felt something inside me fall. Then I heard my baby girl saying she wanted to watch Harry Potter too (they are obsessed with movies 1-3 and that is all we watch anymore - thankfully a certain Ice Princess seems to have been forgotten and her song to Let it Go!). I put a brave face on, I set them up with a snack and the movie, then excused myself to my bedroom.

There are things you know, without even knowing that you know, and when you see you just understand. And if you doubt what you are seeing, there is the web to search which can confirm for you. God's blessing was on me Saturday, as my doctor was the doctor on call for the weekend. I called the weekend number, not even sure how to describe what I was going through and my wonderful doctor called me right away. We talked for almost 10 minutes, and with all I said, all my symptoms, she told me I had miscarried, but that we would confirm Monday morning. She wanted me to call as soon as her office opened, talk to her nurse, and they would make sure I was seen right away.

My husband cancelled his clients and came home to be with me. We spent the majority of Saturday at home, just being. Not much was done or accomplished, just the act of being in each others presence. We told our parents what we were going through.

Sunday we got up and we went to church. We told our classes we were having more testing done the next morning, that even more complications had arisen.

Yesterday we got up and we started our day. My parents agreed to take the kids to school so Brock and I could make to the doctor as early as possible. Our sweet and inquisitive four year old asked why Papa and Nana were taking them to school and not myself (mommy). We informed her that the doctor wanted to see the baby, make sure all was well. She accepted that answer, but I could tell her four year old mind had questions.

Traffic was ridiculous, but this is the week of Super Bowl 51 and my doctor's office is right down the road from NRG stadium, so it wasn't unexpected. We arrived early, I made the phone call to upstairs. My doctor has the best nurses. They are sweet, quick, and efficient. I absolutely love her nurses. Brock and I got on the elevator to head up, and our doctor was on the elevator with us. The compassion and sympathy on her face almost did me in. She asked how we were, and we responded numb, and we will find out soon.

There is a receptionist at my doctor's practice who I do not get along with - I think she is the rudest woman on earth, very unsympathetic and judgmental. It is on my heart to pray for her, and I do. But I did not want to deal with her yesterday, and God intervened. We were able to talk with the other receptionist and she is friendly, cheerful and helpful. We went back into the rooms area, and one of the nurses was with us. She is such a joy, and she asked questions, and you could see on her face what she was thinking. We entered the ultrasound room. I have been in that room more this month than I have ever been with my first two pregnancies combined. You learn the drill, and the nurse and I did all our motions. Then we waited. My husband even knew where he needed to be, and he was there in position when our doctor came in. Not much chit chat, we got right to it. The screen was empty - no more sac.

Our baby was gone.

Our doctor gave us some comforting words (as comforting as they could be for the situation). She informed us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. That she is grateful for us that we have two healthy children already, that when it is the first pregnancy that ends this way, it takes longer for the parents to recover. We discussed what I need to watch for and what I need to do the next few weeks, and that was essentially that.

Brock stepped out to start the family phone calls. I headed to the nurses area to set up the lab appointments I need to take care of. My doctor encouraged me to find a group or a person to talk to about all this. I told her that Saturday I had started to look and had found a surprising amount of options considering most people do not talk about miscarriage. And I said we are blessed to have an amazing community of friends, family, and church around us, that we should be good. And she agreed, she was encouraged that for almost all my appointments this go I have always had someone with me - I have not been on this road alone.

So yesterday we let the world know that our baby, Charli by the way, is no longer with us. The day we found out we were expecting, we let our 4 and 2 year old know. Abigail, in her bright and matter of fact way of saying things, proclaimed, ""It's a girl named Charli." My mother's father was Charlie, Charles, but everyone called him Charlie. He passed away shortly after Brock and I met, and one of my joys is that my Papa and my husband met each other. I am not the type of person to wait, so I have been trying out names, as has my husband the past few weeks. and for a girl, I was loving Charli Ann or Charli Grace. And boy names were Charles Richard, Charles Samuel...nothing set in stone, but we were dreaming. And so through this, I have called the baby, I have talked to baby and have said, "Fight Charli, mommy can't do anything, but you can fight."

The outpouring of love, prayers, hugs, and condolences is overwhelming. Our family truly is blessed to be loved by so many.

Abigail and Stone do not know yet. How do you tell young children? I honestly thought Abigail would run up to me at pick up yesterday and ask about our appointment. Neither child peeped last night about the doctor visit or the baby. And so now we are waiting. The preschool knows we lost the baby (many of the staff their are friends), but that the kids do not. My prayer is that when the time comes, God will give me the words to use that will help Abigail understand. Stone is too young a this point to truly comprehend, I am not even sure he really has comprehended the pregnancy. This will be Abigail's first real experience with loss, and at such a young age I am not sure how to guide her through this.

I am not sure I know how to comprehend this event. I have lost a child. But I have nothing to "show" for it. There will be no funeral, no burial, no obituary. Just a scar on my heart, a date written in my Bible, and a pregnancy journal put away.

Someone asked Brock how this experience has been for us. The obvious is a rollercoaster: high's and low's, twists and turns. But also a band aid. You remove a band aid in one of two ways: fast and quick to be done with it, or slow in hopes of avoiding the sting. This experience has been a slow band aid. And so has our grief and mourning. After the first appointment I was mournful because everything showed a blighted ovum and that we would lose the baby. But then we had upbeat blood work and we saw the fetal pull flickering on the ultrasound. Then I started to bleed, then it looked like the baby was fine and growing, and now the actual loss.  I cried on Saturday when my husband came home. And I cried yesterday on the drive home from the doctor's office when it occurred to me that I needed to tell him the baby's name was Charli. but other than that I haven't cried. now grief is a funny thing, I know people who get angry and get over things, I know those who cry non-stop for days. Everyone mourns differently, and I don't know how I am going to grieve or when to be honestly. Right now though I am finding comfort in my faith, my family, and that one day I will see Charli. I have found some online communities that are a place for the grieving, and I have found some resources on how to cope. I am waiting for those to come in. Those who know us know the story, but I haven't shared it with strangers who can relate. Right now I am reading and seeing how others have found comfort in this situation. I am also reading. Psalms have been a great help, as has my precept studies this semester. This world is not it. There is more for those of us who believe.

I have commented to people that I am grateful that this has happened at this point in my life. I recognize that my walk is about as strong as it has ever been, and had this tragedy happened at any other point I would not be at peace as I am now.

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)
⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I am at peace. I am sad, but I can know that my husband and I will get through this. We will move on, we will be stronger, and we both recognize that God has a plan in all this. I could not imagine going through this with out Christ as my Savior. Through the past few weeks Bible verses have come to my mind, verses that have comforted me. And that is only possible because I have spent dedicated time in the Bible reading and memorizing it, and the fact that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lives in me.

 

Charli Shuman

January 28, 2017

 

 

Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

My Life is Not My Own.

The morning I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was beyond excited! God had blessed my husband and I, and we were humbled.

At fourteen I was told that conceiving would be difficult, and medical help might not even do much. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and endometriosis. Both which cause fertility issues. My wonderful doctor told me that if after trying for six months then we would see what options were available. It has been over a decade since I had been told that news, and advances had been made. So six months after we were married we started to try to conceive. Two months later I had a positive pregnancy test.

My sweet Abigail stole my heart from the get go. Even though her being a girl was a surprise! Shuman's don't have girls often. Let alone as first born. But we did.

Around the time she turned one, we resolved that one and done sounded good. I was almost done nursing, she was sleeping through the nights, and in this day and age who needs a large family. Also, I decided to work full time. Two weeks after Abigail did turn one, we apparently became pregnant again. About three months into the pregnancy is when I found out.

To be honest, I was not happy. Yes God has blessed us, but I viewed the pregnancy as an intrusion into our life and plans. But, by the time I gave birth to my baby boy, I was in love. See when I had him, I was 5 days into my 29th year on this earth. Nursing for a year minimum would put me 30 and days or months. My 30's were going to be mine! Fit, fabulous, and free of pregnancy/nursing! Even a few days had me uptight. But then God got ahold of me.

Children are a blessing to their parents, and a reward to their grandparents. This sweet boy, while I viewed him as  speed bump in my plans, was exactly apart of God's plan. Our life would not be what it is without him. He is my cuddler, "good" guy, gives the sweetest kisses on my eye lids and forehead, and all around is a boy!

Part of me, in my heart, is sad that I wasn't happy when we found out about expecting him. And in time I believe God will help me get over it.

I love where I am in my walk with God. God convicted me that my 30's were not going to be mine, as I am not mine. The day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior my life belonged to Him. So my 30's are His. I am working on my book, blogging more regularly, and as of yesterday I am expecting.

That is right. I who cannot conceive, and my husband who had a certain surgery, are pregnant again! I am about 7 weeks along, and feeling great.

Brock and I want a large family, and after 2 rough pregnancies we figured 2 biological children was plenty, if we wanted more children we would adopt or foster. Well God apparently thought 2 biological children was not enough. And I feel that this child is already a great blessing. I was horribly sick both times with my children, but to date, nothing yet.

I have "accepted" this pregnancy without reservation. I am excited, and already trying to figure out what God has planned for us: how this work out, the logistics, the financials! But, I am not worried. I am curious, but not fearful at all.

So come mid-August, our family of four will be five, and my husband and I will be out numbered.