FAMILY: Celebrating Turning 30

Yesterday was my sweet husband's 30th birthday.
Yes, my husband is younger than me, by almost 2 years.
But we are a good match. A little over a month ago we celebrated 6 years of marriage. And we have now been together about 7 1/2 years.
 
I am a blessed woman. I married a wonderful, hardworking, caring, compassionate, serving man. He doesn't like celebrating his birthday. He will tell you all he did was come into the world. It is his parents who deserve praise, and that is what he did yesterday via Facebook.

This is who he is. He cares more about others than himself. That is why he does all that he does. He lives a life serving others, shining the light of Christ, and drawing others to God. He lives out his faith in all that he does.

It sometimes take a pivot point to make one realize how amazing and wonderful a person is. In your heart you think you know, but then you find out how much more they are. In the past few weeks my husband and I have been drawing closer to each other. Having the conversations we should have been having all along. Now don't get me wrong, we were talking, but we have gone deeper now. We have finally reached the point where we are being completely open: what hurts we have, what we don't want to talk about (& why), what can be done about the hurts and the not wanting to talks, our dreams, our fears, our reservations. We are staying up late, during the week, laying side-by-side just talking.

It reminds me (& him) of when we were first together. Staying up late, not fretting about having to get up the next morning for work with no where near enough sleep. We do talk throughout our day via text & messenger, but those are flirty thoughts, and daily how you doings. We are doing better at saving the deeper stuff for in person, when you can read the person's emotions, see their body cues, and facial expressions. This way nothing is lost in what is being said.

Our pivot was realizing that I was lonely for a close friend, a girlfriend. I have my best friend who lives in Pennsylvania. But, while I can pick up the phone and call or text, its not like we can arrange a girls night out. Now my husband is not trying to fill this part of my life. I can turn to him, I can trust in him, but he is a man and I am a woman. Women need other women. Men need other men. And so he has encouraged me to reach out to others, in fact he has reached out to others to have them reach out to me - to "fix" this issue. And it's not like I don't know over 100 women - I have women I see weekly at church & in choir, and the cooking club I am apart of tries to meet semi regularly. But these relationships don't always go deeper then the surface. I am looking for someone who I can talk theology, coffee, parenting, marriage, and life with in person.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband who is willing to help me with this. He has shown grace, love, mercy, and understanding. Throughout this experience I have come to see the love of Christ in my husband. Ladies, if you ever see this in your husband you will be humbled. I thought I had an idea of how much God loved me. But having the love of Christ come upon me through my husband has drawn me closer to God in my faith, has re-stirred up a passion for life, and has me feeling more like I used to. I pretty much had a come to Jesus moment - and I am not the same. And I am thankful!

We have never really "celebrated" my husband's birthday. He just doesn't care to. But, he turned 30! That is a milestone, and by golly all of us in the family said we were going to celebrate. So tomorrow night we are going to have a get together, child free. When we went on our honeymoon in San Antonio, we stumbled across a Brazilian Steakhouse - he fell in love! Well when we went back to San Antonio earlier this year, we found the place again (on purpose!). And while there I realized they have one here in our area. So the reservations have been made, the baby sitter arranged, and tomorrow night we are going to eat some amazing food with the people who are near and dear to us. And with all the changes in our lives that seem to be happening - his 30's are going to be AMAZING!

An Opportunity to Show Mercy

 God is so sweet to us. When you are struggling, He will provide an opportunity for you to grow and overcome.

The past week I have been busy cutting out 256 squares, 5 inch by 5 inch, to make a king size quilt. I am making this quilt in the memory of Charli, and to give myself something to hold. That has been one of my hardest adjustments, I was pregnant and never got to hold my baby, my child. And so I have decided to make something, something I can hold.

It has been a while since I have quilted, the last one I made was for Stone, so it has been over 2 years. And I have never made one this large. The largest was a queen sized quilt, and that was the very first quilt I ever made.

Last night I finished cutting the squares out, and then laid them out in the order I wanted them. Then I collected them in batches so I could prepare to sew them together. The top piece will take me a week or two to put together if I diligently dedicate time to it. I am not going to rush. I have Precept, my husband has his ministry class, Abigail starts T-Ball this week, and Stone will begin potty training soon. Needless to say we are busy, and I want to give this quilt the proper attention needed.

Here are all 256 pieces laid out on my living room floor. The perfect sized quilt that my family can all lay on and watch movies together with - someday.

So, I titled this post about showing mercy, and as of yet I have not explained. 

My sweet husband woke up with an ear infection this morning. So I took the kids to church by myself, but we only stayed for Connection Groups. The rest of today has been cleaning, tidying, and cooking! One of my husbands sweet clients gave us pheasant. Well my husband could not wait to try it, so I found a recipe. That required me to go to the grocery store (solo time!). As I entered the subdivision he messaged me the following:

"Sorry babe. Went to the restroom once I realized the kids were to quiet came back and Stone got into your quilt stuff and messed up how you had it stored."

I almost began to cry. I was thinking of 256 squares scattered and out of place. When I came home I saw my sewing box open and empty. And I saw fabric...my heart sunk. I also heard my 2 year old crying from his bedroom. 

Upon closer inspection, the fabric was my extra pieces. And my basket of 256 squares was safely in place, untouched.

I had my husband bring me my son, and I talked to him as I put my box back together. I was calm, but let him know that what he did was not okay, that he even could have been hurt. He sniffled, and cried. And once I completed restoring my sewing box, I brought him to me and hugged him and kissed his head.

I am sad to say, that had I stumbled across this disarray instead of being prepared for it, I doubt I would have been as merciful. Throughout my life I have struggled with bursts of anger in situations like today. I am not proud of it, I am acutely ashamed and hate that fleshly side of me. But I am grateful that I was able to talk to my son, and love him through his wrong action today instead of being mad at him and wanting to get onto him. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to show mercy today.

Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

Children are a gift of God. And Abortion is MURDER.

Let me start this with saying: if you have had an abortion and regretted it, yes you allowed something horrible to be done, but God will forgive you. He is merciful, and just, and He will lovingly take you back into His fold, all you have to do is ask.

Now, if you read the news, I am pretty sure you know who Lena Dunham is. I distastefully call her a woman, she is not much of one, but God made her one so that settles it no matter how I view her. This disgusting woman, who wrote about an experience with her sister (Lena was 7, her sister was1) that sends chills up my spine (see link below) had the audacity to proclaim the following:

“Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”

She was at an abortion clinic, a Planned Parenthood if you are wondering, and a young girl "asked me if I’d like to be a part of her project in which women share their stories of abortions,” Dunham said. “I sort of jumped. ‘I haven’t had an abortion,’ I told her. I wanted to make it really clear to her that as much as I was going out and fighting for other women’s options, I myself had never had an abortion.”

She has never had one but she wishes she had.

There is so much wrong with this woman I am not sure where to begin.

She goes onto say,
“And I realized then that even I was carrying within myself stigma around this issue,” Dunham continued. “Even I, the woman who cares as much as anybody about a woman’s right to choose, felt it was important that people know I was unblemished in this department.”
…“I feel so proud of them for their bravery, for their self-knowledge, and it was a really important moment for me then to realize I had internalized some of what society was throwing at us and I had to put it in the garbage,” she said.

I read Matt Walsh. He is a Christian Conservative who speaks on faith, family, politics, and much more. Much is tongue in cheek but there is a heavy dose of truth and wake up! He shared what Ms. Dunham expressed and has written a few times in the past two days on the matter.(see below again) The last he shared was on the stigma. How, yes, there is a stigma to abortion, and for those who feel there shouldn't be, shame on you. That stigma, that guilt, that is your conscience speaking. That is the Holy Spirit telling you that abortion is wrong.

The great thing about God is that He will never go away. Therefore the Holy Spirit will not go away. And the stigma of abortion will not go away. I watched earlier this year the videos of the abortionist discussing money for different aborted baby parts.

Over salad people were discussing how much money could be made by murdering babies, cutting them up and selling the parts.

Again, there are so many things wrong with that statement...

Psalm 139:13 (ESV)

 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

God knit us in our mother's womb. That means created. And if you know a knitter, they love what they create, the cherish it. As does our Heavenly Father love us.

I am disgusted by Ms. Dunham. She needs prayer's ya'll. Her and those like her. Maybe we have lost our country and all we can do is pray. I know that Texas today moved forward to prevent Planned Parenthood from receiving Medicare money. That is a step. But these people do not give up. And they won't, they have been at this game for decades, and those of us of faith are behind, and not working hard enough to catch up.

I want to recommend a book to you. It will explain much of what is going on in our country (world), how it all started, why it is happening, and who is behind it. A lady who I admire, and her husband who has an amazing testimony, recommended this book to me. I finished it Monday. Now...it is not an easy read. It will make you mad, make you sad, and make you want to fight. Maybe if enough of us stand up we can fight back and take back our country. But if all we can do is pray, will you join me? Will you pray for the babies who have been murdered since Roe v. Wade? For the hundred of babies killed everyday? Will you pray for the misguided crusader's of choice who think that murdering a baby will make their life better....easier? And will you pray for the church to stand up, call abortion for what it is (MURDER), and to help the women who feel they have no choice?

I cannot wrap my mind around the pro-choice movement. I am not judging those who have had abortions and regretted it. But there are people out there that say their abortion was liberating, the best thing to ever happen to them...and all I can think about is how a baby was murdered.

In the past few days I have 2 stories of families who chose life. One is a family I do not know personally, but they are friends of a sweet family I know. The mother-to-be was told that her baby, the one in her womb, would not live to birth. At 20 weeks gestation, her baby, a girl, was diagnosed with anencephaly (see below). This family did not abort. They instead celebrated every week they had with that little girl. Cupcakes, crafts to remember a little girl who would not grow up. And that sweet baby hung around 15 more weeks until going to be with Jesus just a few days ago. Pray for that family please.

The second story I knew nothing about until I saw something on Facebook a few hours ago. I didn't even know that this friend from high school was pregnant (and I wasn't the only one). But apparently a test had shown something wrong with the baby. Her post today was along the lines of "don't kill your babies, tests can be wrong even when you are told they are 99% accurate, etc." Now, I don't think this friend would abort, her Facebook picture is a panda holding a sign that says "Save the human babies." And today she shared with the world that test was wrong, and her and husband will now be having a baby girl, after already having 2 healthy boys! Praise the Lord for her strength and faith in God. Reading her Facebook wall, it is full of praise, and people proclaiming an answered prayer.

That book, that I think all believers should read is called, "Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised As Freedom," by David Kupelian. Barnes & Noble and Amazon both sell it. After reading that book, I do have more of an understanding on how people have been sold that Abortion is a right and not evil. But my heart, that I have given to God, refuses to accept it.

Lena Dunham Article

Matt Walsh Article About Stigma of Abortions

Anencephaly Diagnosis

Where to find The Marketing of Evil