Life

When you are told at age 14 that the likelihood of you having a child of your own would more than likely be impossible, and somehow you manage to give birth to three beautiful children, you thank the LORD - daily! I believe my children are a gift from God. I love them, I discipline them, I cherish them.

Psalm 127:3  (NASB)

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

I have been blessed with three beautiful children. 

Abigail is my mini-me, my mother hen, my helper, my sister. This past December she accepted Jesus as her LORD and Savior and was baptized 6 years to the day of her dedication. 

My middle child, Stone, is my nugget (his self appointed nickname). He is my cuddler, my stubborn one, my momma's boy. He is a go-getter, full of energy and has the world's mots amazing imagination. 

My newest, my 4 month old, is Ari. He is the happiest baby on earth. He smiles so big, he laughs, and is such an easy baby. He is our baby we did not know that we needed, and our life is now complete with him in it.

My husband and I have had our children in church almost from the first Sunday they were able to attend after their birth. Regular church attendance is the routine of our life, Sunday's and Wednesday's. Not only that, but we have made the sacrifice to put our children in a Christian school where they are taught the Bible everyday, and attend chapel once a week. Now our youngest is in a daycare, but Christian principals are apart of the curriculum there, so he too is being poured into. We want our children growing up on the foundation of Christ's word. It is the only way to endure through this fallen and broken world. 

Proverbs 22:6  (NASB) 

Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Dec. 16, 2018 - Baby dedication of Ari Matthew Shuman

Children are a gift and a responsibility, God's word tells us that. Brock and I take both concepts seriously. We know that everyone parents differently, and sees to life in their own ways. But thankfully the friends in our lives all hold true to the same core concepts of faith and life. So we are surrounded by people who are like minded. 

I share all this because heavy on my heart is the legislation that was passed in New York a few weeks back. The most horrific anti-life bill was passed, allowing abortion up to the moment of birth. And since then, the true depravity of many of our nations leaders has come to light. Some legislators want to give a mother the option to murder their child after the child has been born.

My little loves on
Valentine's Day 2019

Folks, our country, our world is in trouble. Women want the right to kill their own children at any point. Or at least that is what the legislators have said. My heart shakes at the idea that there are women out there who truly want this. But....the legislators are men and women, fathers and mothers, grandparents...The condition of their hearts....it is so heartbreaking. And I know that there really are women who want this "right." Every year, on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade women march for the right to kill their unborn child. The depravity of that shakes me to the core. 

Luckily, women and men are standing up for life. There is always a counter march that is pro-life. And the numbers for this grow each year. There is hope, but we believers must get on our knees and pray. That is what keeps coming to mind when the news comes out with more laws being proposed to kill babies, or stories about planned parenthood and their horrible practices. 

PRAY

We must pray. Men and women. Life is not a woman issue, it is a human issue. Men need to stand up and speak up - it's their children too that are being murdered. I remember the night I heard about what New York had done. I held my baby boy and just looked at him, and I held him a bit longer before I placed him to sleep in his crib.

I remember giving birth to all three of my children, and to think people want to make it okay to murder a baby up until (and possibly after) birth. The first time I held all my children is a moment I cherish. That feeling, the adrenaline, the rush! Oh the emotions that rush over you. Just typing that up, I can recall the surge of love and emotions.

There needs to be a change. The fact of the matter is, America is going to be called to judgement for the number of innocent lives we have allowed to be slaughtered in the name of "progress" and "women's rights." The land of our country is stained by the blood of the millions of babies who have been murdered in the womb. Blood must be atoned for by blood.

Psalm 106:38 (NASB)

And shed innocent blood,

The blood of their sons and their daughters,

Whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan;

And the land was polluted with the blood.

God takes serious the shedding of innocent blood, His word is filled with references:

•  Deuteronomy 19:10 So innocent blood will not be shed in the midst of your land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance, and bloodguiltiness be on you.
• Deuteronomy 19:13 You shall not pity him, but you shall purge the blood of the innocent from Israel, that it may go well with you.
• Deuteronomy 21:8 Forgive Your people Israel whom You have redeemed, O Lord, and do not place the guilt of innocent blood in the midst of Your people Israel.’ And the bloodguiltiness shall be forgiven them.
• Deuteronomy 21:9 So you shall remove the guilt of innocent blood from your midst, when you do what is right in the eyes of the Lord.
• 1 Samuel 19:5 For he took his life in his hand and struck the Philistine, and the Lord brought about a great deliverance for all Israel; you saw it and rejoiced. Why then will you sin against innocent blood by putting David to death without a cause?”
• 2 Samuel 3:28 Afterward when David heard it, he said, “I and my kingdom are innocent before the Lord forever of the blood of Abner the son of Ner.
• 2 Kings 21:16 Moreover, Manasseh shed very much innocent blood until he had filled Jerusalem from one end to another; besides his sin with which he made Judah sin, in doing evil in the sight of the Lord.
• 2 Kings 24:4 and also for the innocent blood which he shed, for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood; and the Lord would not forgive.
• Proverbs 1:11 If they say, “Come with us, Let us lie in wait for blood, Let us ambush the innocent without cause;
• Proverbs 6:17 Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood,
• Isaiah 59:7 Their feet run to evil, And they hasten to shed innocent blood; Their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity, Devastation and destruction are in their highways.
• Jeremiah 7:6 if you do not oppress the alien, the orphan, or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place, nor walk after other gods to your own ruin,
• Jeremiah 19:4 Because they have forsaken Me and have made this an alien place and have burned sacrifices in it to other gods, that neither they nor their forefathers nor the kings of Judah had ever known, and because they have filled this place with the blood of the innocent
• Jeremiah 22:3 Thus says the Lord, “Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed from the power of his oppressor. Also do not mistreat or do violence to the stranger, the orphan, or the widow; and do not shed innocent blood in this place.
• Jeremiah 22:17 “But your eyes and your heart Are intent only upon your own dishonest gain, And on shedding innocent blood And on practicing oppression and extortion.”
• Jeremiah 26:15 Only know for certain that if you put me to death, you will bring innocent blood on yourselves, and on this city and on its inhabitants; for truly the Lord has sent me to you to speak all these words in your hearing.”
• Joel 3:19 Egypt will become a waste, And Edom will become a desolate wilderness, Because of the violence done to the sons of Judah, In whose land they have shed innocent blood.
• Jonah 1:14 Then they called on the Lord and said, “We earnestly pray, O Lord, do not let us perish on account of this man’s life and do not put innocent blood on us; for You, O Lord, have done as You have pleased.”
• Matthew 27:4 saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But they said, “What is that to us? See to that yourself!”
• Matthew 27:24 When Pilate saw that he was accomplishing nothing, but rather that a riot was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd, saying, “I am innocent of this Man’s blood; see to that yourselves.”

Shedding innocent blood is a sin, it separates us from the blessings and full life God has for us. Can God forgive us, as a nation, for the millions of babies who have died? Yes. We as a nation though must turn the laws around, make it a crime again in this country to kill a baby. Then and only then can we start to see God's forgiveness.

There is no word to describe.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

In all the wonder of the world, there is no word for the loss of a child.

Saturday, January 28, 2017 I miscarried our unexpected blessing. The feeling of that process is to devastating to explain. The sensation of the loss and then the gut feeling of knowing what juts happened, a mother's instincts are sharp.

Sunday, January 22 I started bleeding. I called the doctor right away, was put on bed rest for the day, and told to schedule with  my doctor a time sometime in the week to meet. I was assured that this is not uncommon.

Wednesday, January 25 my mother-in-love accompanied me to the doctor and I had my 3rd inner ultrasound. We saw the baby, the fetal pull, but the sac was small, but my doctor seemed optimistic. I went on with life, still bleeding and my lower back hurting, but comforted that the baby was well.

Friday, January 27, my back still hurting, my stomach felt out of sorts. The bleeding was continuing, and I was a nervous wreck. Nothing was normal... I cried myself to sleep.

Early the next morning my sweet baby boy woke up way too early wanting to watch Harry Potter. I shooed him into the other room and told him I would be right there. I stood up out of bed and felt something inside me fall. Then I heard my baby girl saying she wanted to watch Harry Potter too (they are obsessed with movies 1-3 and that is all we watch anymore - thankfully a certain Ice Princess seems to have been forgotten and her song to Let it Go!). I put a brave face on, I set them up with a snack and the movie, then excused myself to my bedroom.

There are things you know, without even knowing that you know, and when you see you just understand. And if you doubt what you are seeing, there is the web to search which can confirm for you. God's blessing was on me Saturday, as my doctor was the doctor on call for the weekend. I called the weekend number, not even sure how to describe what I was going through and my wonderful doctor called me right away. We talked for almost 10 minutes, and with all I said, all my symptoms, she told me I had miscarried, but that we would confirm Monday morning. She wanted me to call as soon as her office opened, talk to her nurse, and they would make sure I was seen right away.

My husband cancelled his clients and came home to be with me. We spent the majority of Saturday at home, just being. Not much was done or accomplished, just the act of being in each others presence. We told our parents what we were going through.

Sunday we got up and we went to church. We told our classes we were having more testing done the next morning, that even more complications had arisen.

Yesterday we got up and we started our day. My parents agreed to take the kids to school so Brock and I could make to the doctor as early as possible. Our sweet and inquisitive four year old asked why Papa and Nana were taking them to school and not myself (mommy). We informed her that the doctor wanted to see the baby, make sure all was well. She accepted that answer, but I could tell her four year old mind had questions.

Traffic was ridiculous, but this is the week of Super Bowl 51 and my doctor's office is right down the road from NRG stadium, so it wasn't unexpected. We arrived early, I made the phone call to upstairs. My doctor has the best nurses. They are sweet, quick, and efficient. I absolutely love her nurses. Brock and I got on the elevator to head up, and our doctor was on the elevator with us. The compassion and sympathy on her face almost did me in. She asked how we were, and we responded numb, and we will find out soon.

There is a receptionist at my doctor's practice who I do not get along with - I think she is the rudest woman on earth, very unsympathetic and judgmental. It is on my heart to pray for her, and I do. But I did not want to deal with her yesterday, and God intervened. We were able to talk with the other receptionist and she is friendly, cheerful and helpful. We went back into the rooms area, and one of the nurses was with us. She is such a joy, and she asked questions, and you could see on her face what she was thinking. We entered the ultrasound room. I have been in that room more this month than I have ever been with my first two pregnancies combined. You learn the drill, and the nurse and I did all our motions. Then we waited. My husband even knew where he needed to be, and he was there in position when our doctor came in. Not much chit chat, we got right to it. The screen was empty - no more sac.

Our baby was gone.

Our doctor gave us some comforting words (as comforting as they could be for the situation). She informed us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. That she is grateful for us that we have two healthy children already, that when it is the first pregnancy that ends this way, it takes longer for the parents to recover. We discussed what I need to watch for and what I need to do the next few weeks, and that was essentially that.

Brock stepped out to start the family phone calls. I headed to the nurses area to set up the lab appointments I need to take care of. My doctor encouraged me to find a group or a person to talk to about all this. I told her that Saturday I had started to look and had found a surprising amount of options considering most people do not talk about miscarriage. And I said we are blessed to have an amazing community of friends, family, and church around us, that we should be good. And she agreed, she was encouraged that for almost all my appointments this go I have always had someone with me - I have not been on this road alone.

So yesterday we let the world know that our baby, Charli by the way, is no longer with us. The day we found out we were expecting, we let our 4 and 2 year old know. Abigail, in her bright and matter of fact way of saying things, proclaimed, ""It's a girl named Charli." My mother's father was Charlie, Charles, but everyone called him Charlie. He passed away shortly after Brock and I met, and one of my joys is that my Papa and my husband met each other. I am not the type of person to wait, so I have been trying out names, as has my husband the past few weeks. and for a girl, I was loving Charli Ann or Charli Grace. And boy names were Charles Richard, Charles Samuel...nothing set in stone, but we were dreaming. And so through this, I have called the baby, I have talked to baby and have said, "Fight Charli, mommy can't do anything, but you can fight."

The outpouring of love, prayers, hugs, and condolences is overwhelming. Our family truly is blessed to be loved by so many.

Abigail and Stone do not know yet. How do you tell young children? I honestly thought Abigail would run up to me at pick up yesterday and ask about our appointment. Neither child peeped last night about the doctor visit or the baby. And so now we are waiting. The preschool knows we lost the baby (many of the staff their are friends), but that the kids do not. My prayer is that when the time comes, God will give me the words to use that will help Abigail understand. Stone is too young a this point to truly comprehend, I am not even sure he really has comprehended the pregnancy. This will be Abigail's first real experience with loss, and at such a young age I am not sure how to guide her through this.

I am not sure I know how to comprehend this event. I have lost a child. But I have nothing to "show" for it. There will be no funeral, no burial, no obituary. Just a scar on my heart, a date written in my Bible, and a pregnancy journal put away.

Someone asked Brock how this experience has been for us. The obvious is a rollercoaster: high's and low's, twists and turns. But also a band aid. You remove a band aid in one of two ways: fast and quick to be done with it, or slow in hopes of avoiding the sting. This experience has been a slow band aid. And so has our grief and mourning. After the first appointment I was mournful because everything showed a blighted ovum and that we would lose the baby. But then we had upbeat blood work and we saw the fetal pull flickering on the ultrasound. Then I started to bleed, then it looked like the baby was fine and growing, and now the actual loss.  I cried on Saturday when my husband came home. And I cried yesterday on the drive home from the doctor's office when it occurred to me that I needed to tell him the baby's name was Charli. but other than that I haven't cried. now grief is a funny thing, I know people who get angry and get over things, I know those who cry non-stop for days. Everyone mourns differently, and I don't know how I am going to grieve or when to be honestly. Right now though I am finding comfort in my faith, my family, and that one day I will see Charli. I have found some online communities that are a place for the grieving, and I have found some resources on how to cope. I am waiting for those to come in. Those who know us know the story, but I haven't shared it with strangers who can relate. Right now I am reading and seeing how others have found comfort in this situation. I am also reading. Psalms have been a great help, as has my precept studies this semester. This world is not it. There is more for those of us who believe.

I have commented to people that I am grateful that this has happened at this point in my life. I recognize that my walk is about as strong as it has ever been, and had this tragedy happened at any other point I would not be at peace as I am now.

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)
⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I am at peace. I am sad, but I can know that my husband and I will get through this. We will move on, we will be stronger, and we both recognize that God has a plan in all this. I could not imagine going through this with out Christ as my Savior. Through the past few weeks Bible verses have come to my mind, verses that have comforted me. And that is only possible because I have spent dedicated time in the Bible reading and memorizing it, and the fact that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lives in me.

 

Charli Shuman

January 28, 2017

 

 

Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

My Life is Not My Own.

The morning I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was beyond excited! God had blessed my husband and I, and we were humbled.

At fourteen I was told that conceiving would be difficult, and medical help might not even do much. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and endometriosis. Both which cause fertility issues. My wonderful doctor told me that if after trying for six months then we would see what options were available. It has been over a decade since I had been told that news, and advances had been made. So six months after we were married we started to try to conceive. Two months later I had a positive pregnancy test.

My sweet Abigail stole my heart from the get go. Even though her being a girl was a surprise! Shuman's don't have girls often. Let alone as first born. But we did.

Around the time she turned one, we resolved that one and done sounded good. I was almost done nursing, she was sleeping through the nights, and in this day and age who needs a large family. Also, I decided to work full time. Two weeks after Abigail did turn one, we apparently became pregnant again. About three months into the pregnancy is when I found out.

To be honest, I was not happy. Yes God has blessed us, but I viewed the pregnancy as an intrusion into our life and plans. But, by the time I gave birth to my baby boy, I was in love. See when I had him, I was 5 days into my 29th year on this earth. Nursing for a year minimum would put me 30 and days or months. My 30's were going to be mine! Fit, fabulous, and free of pregnancy/nursing! Even a few days had me uptight. But then God got ahold of me.

Children are a blessing to their parents, and a reward to their grandparents. This sweet boy, while I viewed him as  speed bump in my plans, was exactly apart of God's plan. Our life would not be what it is without him. He is my cuddler, "good" guy, gives the sweetest kisses on my eye lids and forehead, and all around is a boy!

Part of me, in my heart, is sad that I wasn't happy when we found out about expecting him. And in time I believe God will help me get over it.

I love where I am in my walk with God. God convicted me that my 30's were not going to be mine, as I am not mine. The day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior my life belonged to Him. So my 30's are His. I am working on my book, blogging more regularly, and as of yesterday I am expecting.

That is right. I who cannot conceive, and my husband who had a certain surgery, are pregnant again! I am about 7 weeks along, and feeling great.

Brock and I want a large family, and after 2 rough pregnancies we figured 2 biological children was plenty, if we wanted more children we would adopt or foster. Well God apparently thought 2 biological children was not enough. And I feel that this child is already a great blessing. I was horribly sick both times with my children, but to date, nothing yet.

I have "accepted" this pregnancy without reservation. I am excited, and already trying to figure out what God has planned for us: how this work out, the logistics, the financials! But, I am not worried. I am curious, but not fearful at all.

So come mid-August, our family of four will be five, and my husband and I will be out numbered.