LIFE: Terror and Tribulations

I remember the first few days after my daughter Abigail was born as a peaceful time. I took time off, and her and I basically stayed home. I didn't watch t.v. I spent time with her, we mastered nursing, we figured out sleeping. If I was awake, I made small meals, and tidied the house. It was a quiet and blissful time.

And finally one morning, I decided to reconnect with the rest of humanity and I turned on the news.
The date was December 14, 2012.

And the news headline was:

Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting

After an hour or so of watching the news I shut the t.v. off and held my newborn daughter tight.

There are tragedies in this world that are hard to fathom. And throughout my growing up years numerous events rocked the world with a devastation that the anniversary of the events are celebrated even today. The one's though that seemed to shake everyone to a different level of devastation were the events that brought tragedy upon children.

April 19, 1995 - Oklahoma City Bombing 

- 168 people, including 19 young children, killed

 

September 11, 2001 - American Airlines Flight 11 and United Airlines Flight 175, were crashed into the North and South towers, of the World Trade Center complex; American Airlines Flight 77, was crashed into the Pentagon 

-  2,996 people were killed and more than 6,000 others wounded, "The dead included 8 children: 5 on American 77 ranging in age from 3 to 11, 3 on United 175 ages 2, 3, and 4. The youngest victim was a 2 year-old child on Flight 175, the oldest an 82 year-old passenger on Flight 11. In the buildings, the youngest victim was 17 and the oldest was 79."

And on that December morning, reading that, "20 children between six and seven years old, as well as six adult staff members" had been shot and killed shook me to the core. Becoming a parent changes how you are affected. And anytime, since become a parent, that I hear of a child dying, no matter the circumstance, I am saddened.

Yesterday in the UK, at a concert a bomb went off, and the death toll has climbed to 22, with children among the dead. ISIS has claimed responsibility. The performer is a young woman who has fans that are children and teenagers. That is her target demographic. So, those who planted that bomb knew that children and teenagers would be in attendance.

It disgusts me that people have so little regard for life, and even more so, less regard for the life children. My faith, my God, tells me:
"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalm 127:3 (ESV)

And having faced the possibility of infertility, I cherish my children even more. And when I am away from them, I want to be with them. Just being in the same building with them gives me a peace; and when I hear that children have been killed, murdered for a theology that is warped and not living, my heart is hurt.

Isaiah 41:10 (ESV)

¹⁰ fear not, for I am with you;

    be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

John 16:33 (ESV)

³³ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

I started writing this last week after the bombing in Manchester. But it has been hard to finish - children lost their lives. That is never easy to process. And then today, another bombing, at an ice cream shop.
"Baghdad blasts: Ice cream shop among attack targets, 31 killed" & "ISIS targets the young, then the old in twin Baghdad bombings"


My heart is still heavy. And while I am devastated at the loss of young life (any life) I know that in the end this all apart of His plan. That this world has to fall apart so His Kingdom may come. Hold your children tight, tell them you love them every chance you get, take a million pictures, record silly videos - print those and have those put on dvd. As bad as things are, we do know that things will get worse but we also know the ending of the story. God wins - and those of us that believe in His Son, have put our faith in His Son - we win with Him.

Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting
Oklahoma-City-Bombing
Casualties_of_the_September_11_Attacks

September_11_Attacks_Fatalities

baghdad-blasts-ice-cream-shop-among-attack-targets-31-killed.html

baghdad-ice-cream-shop-bombing/index.html

The Look of Mourning

I was not acutely aware that I had changed.

I did not want one incident, one event to become my definition:

"Oh that is Jessica, she lost a child."

I want my life to be described in a series of moments:

"Jessica, she loves her children, loves her husband, serves the Lord, works hard, writes,and lives life to the fullest." "Oh and she hates washing windows."

I have a friend whom I am talking through my emotions and thoughts with. She does not offer solutions, there aren't any. She listens. And it has done me good, to have someone I can talk at. I feel better about where I am in my processing of the situation. I feel like I am making strides in not letting this loss become definition. Her and I have met the past two Saturday's.

This past Sunday morning I had a handful of people comment on my hair, how great it looked. After a few people mentioned my hair, I thought about it. And then it came to me. Since we lost Charli, I have pretty much had my hair up: in a bun, or a clip. I have not worn it down. It has been clean, but I have not taken the hour or so it requires to blow dry and straighten out my hair. But Sunday morning, before church, I did take the time. Which is surprising even more when you consider it was time change Sunday, we had my nephew with us, and my 2 year old was at the start of potty training. I did all that was required to get us ready for church and did my hair.

Without realizing, the loss of Charli had changed my appearance. It wasn't anything major, but then again it was. Church service is two days a week, and I generally am there. Now, I do work for the school that is a ministry of my church, so I am in our church building 6 out of 7 days a week. And sometimes that 7th day too. But for people who do not work there, they only see me 1 to 2 times a week, and for over a month every time they saw me my hair which I normally wear down to church was up, so the sudden switch back to down was noticeable.

Noticeable to everyone but me.

I have looked through my phone and have not really taken any pictures of myself this year. I do have one picture of myself with my husband when we took a trip for just the two of us. My hair is up. I apparently have not felt like taking a picture here recently. Which, I mean, I get.

Life is so quick, time flies. And without realizing, you change. I had adopted a new appearance, without meaning or wanting to. But it happened. I have been more mindful this past week of my appearance, even though I have been at home with my two littles - Spring Break. I am making sure to get dressed, brush my hair, add some make up, and earrings. I am in mourning, but it does not need to take over my life. The loss will always be apart of me, but it will not be me. I am more than a moment in my life.

Hair down, make up on, earrings in.
3/16/2017