Relating to Pregnancy

For those who know me personally (or have read this blog for at least the past year), you know that I have been pregnant.

Just yesterday I came home from the hospital, now a mother of 3 (1 daughter, 2 sons). Overall I enjoy motherhood, I love watching my children grow, learn, discover. Discipline is not fun, but it is vital, and luckily at this stage  almost 6, 4, nb) discipline means no tv, or no special toys.

Pregnancy on the other hand - it is hard, even brutal at times (and I am not talking about labor just yet). Each of my four pregnancies were different (1 miscarriage last year). Very little was similar from one to another. Weight gain was different, nausea/vomiting happened in all, but to very varied degrees, leg cramps, hip/back aches...oye! But no matter what, a pregnancy that goes to term will have the end result of labor, and of course, a baby.

The labor part has been on my mind lately, obviously due to the fact that I was going to go through the experience. But I was not just thinking about the personal physical aspect of labor. I have been in awe on how God uses the labor/birth process in scripture to convey the end times, how the world will labor before the Rapture and Tribulation.

Matthew 24:8 - "But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.

Mark 13:8 - "For nation will rise up against nation, and kingdom against kingdom; there will be earthquakes in various places; there will also be famines. These things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.

1 Thessalonians 5:3- While they are saying, "Peace and safety!" then destruction will come upon them suddenly like labor pains upon a woman with child, and they will not escape.

Revelation 12:2 - and she was with child; and she cried out, being in labor and in pain to give birth.

I feel now, that women of faith, female followers of Christ, who have birthed can relate to this portion of God's word unlike anyone else. It doesn't matter if you had a vaginal or c-section birth. In the weeks leading up to the baby arriving, a woman's body aches, it hurts, it practices the real ordeal. All of those are the beginning of birth pangs. For the past 2 1/2 weeks I have been miserable. Unable to sleep, always uncomfortable, lacking focus, constantly wondering if this was the real ordeal, nauseated and even vomiting. Not a pretty pregnancy glow to be seen (not sure if I ever had one).

And here's the other thing, why God is absolutely brilliant with His details, there are still pains after the baby is born. The woman's body has to return to it's pre-pregnancy state, go back to "normal." And it takes time. The body doesn't spring back right away (yes we all know that one woman  - she is a unicorn). I am 3 days out from giving birth, and having my easiest experience by far and I look 3 to 4 month pregnant, waiting for my milk to fully come in, things are still swollen, and at most getting 3 1/2 hours of sleep at a time.

The Rapture is when God calls the Church home, and from my studies in Revelation 12, we (the Church) are what the woman gives birth to. And after the Church is birthed to heaven, in a manner of time judgement comes upon the earth. Some of the judgement are focused on the remaining humanity, but a good deal of the judgement falls on the earth itself. Those of who die or are caught up, the world we return to when Jesus has his 2nd coming, will not be the world we left behind. It is going to be drastically changed, through painful means. And just like a woman who has given birth, whose body will never bee 100% back to what it was, I believe we will recognize the world we return to, it will be familiar, but for sure, it will not be the same. And that there is another beauty of a relationship with Christ. We are never the same after we come to know Him. Come to a personal relationship with Him. The shell we have will stay the same, but become softer, we will carry with us His fragrance, the sweet aroma of salvation (to those who want pursue a relationship with Him, to others it will be a repugnant stench), but most importantly the work He will do on our hearts, on our inside will have us being a 180 of who we use to be.

I want to leave you with the song by Lauren Daigle - You Say. Remember who you are in Christ, the world is chaotic right now, there is very little left that needs to happen for the Church to be called home. Live each day faithfully unto the LORD. God bless.

DISCIPLINE: Christianity & America

I like this definition of "discipline:" train oneself to do something in a controlled and habitual way:

Unfortunately, discipline is lacking from society in general, but I see it lacking more dominantly in American society and in most lives of Christians. And I am not immune from this lacking. I have become more aware of the lack of discipline in my life since being diagnosed with gestational diabetes at the beginning of July, But in reality, my awareness of started a few months prior when my OBGYN has my omit carbs from my diet. I was gaining weight a bit too quickly for my pregnancy, and reached the max weight I had gained when preggers with Abigail. 

My first step in getting my weight under control was omitting pretty much all carbs: pasta, bread, cakey sweets,etc. I was still enjoying fruits, in moderation. Basically think lazy keto. I lost weight, baby boy was still growing on target, but I was feeling and looking better. Then I failed the 1 hour glucose test. And then a few days later, I failed the 3 hour glucose test. And my life has been different every since. I had to go hard-core on the carb cutting. The dietitian didn't like that idea, but if I have carbs, my glucose levels spike out of control. I had a great conversation/meeting with the diabetic educator. She told me to try carbs,and if I could manage eating them without spiking great, if not, do what is best for Ari and I. 

So for the last 6 weeks or so, I have been essentially hard-core Keto. No fruits. Very restrictive on veggies. Plenty of meats/proteins, healthy fats, nuts, and good cheeses. Has it been easy? Heavens no! I am essentially eating the anti-American diet. I can't really eat out, unless all I want is a salad with some grilled chicken. I have to cook, meal prep is a must, and since I am eating anti-processed foods, I am going shopping every 3 or 4 days so, instead of 1 time a week. 

And at my last check up, my doctor was happy. My only level (I test 4 times a day) that has been of concern has been my fasting/wake up level. But with more research, and modifying my evening I believe I have taken the steps to get that under control. WITHOUT medication! But it has taken work, and I have to be focused. I have had to keep a good log so if my #'s spike I can figure out what I ate differently. I also live by a clock now. Eat breakfast by a certain point, make sure that I have time for lunch/testing, get in an afternoon snack, eat dinner early enough to have a snack before bed time, but it must be 30 minutes prior to bed, and finally I have to make sure there is 8 hours of fasting after that snack before I test again but before I eat breakfast. 

Its all worth it though. I am doing what is required to keep Ari healthy and myself healthy. And I want to do this as naturally as possible. I had resigned myself midweek last week that I would have to take medication to keep my fasting level in check, but thankfully, after more research I discovered the importance of a protein snack 30 minutes prior to bed. And if I can make that work every day until my my appointment this upcoming Wednesday, I think my doctor will agree. 

Going through this has been having me evaluate my spiritual life. And taking a look at the world around me. I need structure. And when precept is going on at my church, I can tell you my spiritual life is ablaze. When summer comes (and precept ends)...there is still a flame but its not blazing. I need a study, I need something requires me to dig deeper, have homework, come to class prepared. I like studies. I like having something to give my focus too. It helps me. I do well with my prayer life, and meditations, when I don't have a study to focus on. But I will admit that my Bible reading isn't as indepth during that time. But oh boy! Precept starts, I am in the word, I am checking cross references, I blog more (sorry folks, but I am being honest).

And so I have come to realize that the discipline I am exerting in my personal life for my health, I need to exert in my spiritual life. I easily read a few scriptures a day, but God's Word, it is our daily bread. It feeds our soul. Summer time fasting is not what is needed. During the heat (literally and figuratively) we need to eat as well as possible, give our bodies what it needs. And Scripture is the bread of life. We have God's word to sustain us. Yet most of us are not "eating" correctly. A verse or two a day will keep you alive. But when the storms come, the trials....your "fat" stores are going to be low, and you will not last long. But if you are going in depth into God's word, reading more and more each day, overlaying God's word with current events, studying with a passion. You will be ready for the days that are hard.

I wish this lack of discipline I see in myself was a rarity in the christian world. But I feel it is not. Overall, when you look at the world, discipline is the farthest thing from anyone's mind. Society has become about "self" and doing "what feels right." Life is about excess. Governments are taking children from parents for "disciplining," psychiatrist say that telling a child "no" will harm their belief in themselves, and there are so many more examples, just watch the mainstream media.  The word discipline is not in most people's vocabulary anymore. And unfortunately, many in the kingdom are flowing with the world. Scripture tells us this will happen.

Matthew 24:10  (NASB)

10 At that time many will fall away and will betray one another and hate one another.

1 Timothy 4:1 N (NASB)
Apostasy

4 But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons,

Discipline isn't fun. Whether it is a parent discipline a child, or a person restraining themselves from treats/pleasures. It takes work, its hard, and it can be frustrating. But there are generally long term rewards. We discipline our children so they that they learn what is right & wrong, and hopefully they will become adults who are beneficial to society, and biblicaly, they serve the LORD for His glory. I am disciplining myself with my diet so my unborn child will not be overly large, we can avoid a c-section (faster recovery for me), and eventually hopefully not have diabetes as I get older. Remember, God disciplines us too.

Hebrews 12:6 (NASB)

6 For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines,

Discipline is about love.

• we (parents) discipline our children because we love them
• we discipline ourselves with diet/exercise so we can be a better version of ourself (a type of self love - which can go to far)
• God disciplines us, because He loves us.

Discipline is about love. Not harm. And though when the LORD disciplines us it can be painful, it can be uncomfortable, in the end it is for the betterment of ourselves, and His glory. Which is our purpose in life, to bring glory to God. The world, the little "c" church, and America, for sure, all need more discipline. And now is the time, before God's discipline changes to His wrath. 

FAMILY: Growth

As of today, June 27th, I am 24 1/2 weeks pregnant.Less than 16 weeks until I get to meet our gift from God. Now, I have been quiet, even absent for a while. Everything has been going well, but with my husbands training schedule, I have been parenting solo most evenings, so once the kiddos are asleep, I rest. I pretty much veg out, and deal with my braxton hicks contractions.

Life has been good for our family, immediate and extended.

Mother's Day was glorious. We gathered at my in-love's house, our little unit, my brother/sister in love and their son, and my sil's parents. Church was good that morning, and we were all ready for some time together. My sil who lives 10 hours away texted me at one point when we were all gathered, to make sure we weren't eating yet. Notified her steaks were not even yet on the grill. 

Not even 10 minutes later she starts a Facetime conversation with my mil. Nothing out of the normal with this, since they live so far away, we cannot spend every holiday together, and the wonders of technology allow us to see each other in real time. It's beautiful!

As we are all waving/saying "hi" their youngest starts shouting, "I'm going to be a BIG brother!" It took a few yells for it to register with us. So yes, the Midland crew is growing to 5, due in January. We were all happy, hugging, and just overall excited by the extra growth in the family. Our bundle was a surprise, and now we weren't going to be the only ones sleep deprived but blessed.

A little while later lunch was ready and my middle bil said he wanted to lead the prayer. Nothing abnormal, we gather in the kitchen, hold hands and he begins. He then said, "And Lord, we pray for healthy pregnancy's for J (me), L (midland), and L(his wife).....I scream, her mother screams, kids looked confused, my mother in love looks dazed, and my husband says we broke his ear drum.

We never said Amen on that prayer.

But, the conclusion is, all three of us Shuman wives are pregnant.

I am due mid October

Middle SIL is due end of November, start of December

Farthest away SIL is due start to mid January

Our clan is going from 13 to 16, 5 grandchildren to 8!

Oh, and because time has flown since Mother's Day, 2 of us know what we are having.

The original granchild crew is this:

Boy - 6 year old - Midland Crew

Girl - 5 year old - Mine

Boy - 4 year old- Midland Crew

Boy - 3 year old - Mine

Boy - 3 year old - Middle Shuman Crew

My daughter has been the only girl in the group. Let me tell you, she was determined that we were having a girl. Unfortunately the ultrasound did not reveal that, nor did the silly string on the 1st Saturday in June. When it finally dawned on her that the blue meant a brother she flat out cried for 15 minutes.

The next weekend, after church, the kids and I drove up to see the Middle Shuman Crew at my sil's parents house. They did blood work to find out sooner if their son would get a brother or a daughter. WE arrive, and the cake is cut, because none of us are patient, and while we were there for lunch, the gender was the main reason for gathering. We saw blue icing, and hey, Shuman's make boys, no real surprise. But, my brother in law had a cannon, and he didn't shoot it off right away. And then he did.

PINK!

And all of us were confused....did this mean twins, a boy and a girl....or was the cake a decoy.

My sil reassured that twins were not in her oven, but in fact a little girl was. My daughter is now happy that at least she will have a girl cousin, since my husband and I disappointed her in making her yet another brother. 

My husband and I did have a name picked out for our next little boy, and in the week between I tried teaching both kids. Stone learned the baby's name quickly, he loved/s the fact that he gets a brother. Abigail didn't seem interested in learning it. But once she found out her aunt was having a girl, she magically learned the name.

Our little boy, due in less than 4 months, will be Ari Matthew Shuman. Ari means lion. Matthew means gift from God. And that he absolutely is. Once Fall hits, our lives, all of our lives, will never be the same with these three new little blessings. A girl name has yet to be decided for my first ever niece! And the Midland Crew will not know for a few more weeks what their #3 will be.

There is no word to describe.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

In all the wonder of the world, there is no word for the loss of a child.

Saturday, January 28, 2017 I miscarried our unexpected blessing. The feeling of that process is to devastating to explain. The sensation of the loss and then the gut feeling of knowing what juts happened, a mother's instincts are sharp.

Sunday, January 22 I started bleeding. I called the doctor right away, was put on bed rest for the day, and told to schedule with  my doctor a time sometime in the week to meet. I was assured that this is not uncommon.

Wednesday, January 25 my mother-in-love accompanied me to the doctor and I had my 3rd inner ultrasound. We saw the baby, the fetal pull, but the sac was small, but my doctor seemed optimistic. I went on with life, still bleeding and my lower back hurting, but comforted that the baby was well.

Friday, January 27, my back still hurting, my stomach felt out of sorts. The bleeding was continuing, and I was a nervous wreck. Nothing was normal... I cried myself to sleep.

Early the next morning my sweet baby boy woke up way too early wanting to watch Harry Potter. I shooed him into the other room and told him I would be right there. I stood up out of bed and felt something inside me fall. Then I heard my baby girl saying she wanted to watch Harry Potter too (they are obsessed with movies 1-3 and that is all we watch anymore - thankfully a certain Ice Princess seems to have been forgotten and her song to Let it Go!). I put a brave face on, I set them up with a snack and the movie, then excused myself to my bedroom.

There are things you know, without even knowing that you know, and when you see you just understand. And if you doubt what you are seeing, there is the web to search which can confirm for you. God's blessing was on me Saturday, as my doctor was the doctor on call for the weekend. I called the weekend number, not even sure how to describe what I was going through and my wonderful doctor called me right away. We talked for almost 10 minutes, and with all I said, all my symptoms, she told me I had miscarried, but that we would confirm Monday morning. She wanted me to call as soon as her office opened, talk to her nurse, and they would make sure I was seen right away.

My husband cancelled his clients and came home to be with me. We spent the majority of Saturday at home, just being. Not much was done or accomplished, just the act of being in each others presence. We told our parents what we were going through.

Sunday we got up and we went to church. We told our classes we were having more testing done the next morning, that even more complications had arisen.

Yesterday we got up and we started our day. My parents agreed to take the kids to school so Brock and I could make to the doctor as early as possible. Our sweet and inquisitive four year old asked why Papa and Nana were taking them to school and not myself (mommy). We informed her that the doctor wanted to see the baby, make sure all was well. She accepted that answer, but I could tell her four year old mind had questions.

Traffic was ridiculous, but this is the week of Super Bowl 51 and my doctor's office is right down the road from NRG stadium, so it wasn't unexpected. We arrived early, I made the phone call to upstairs. My doctor has the best nurses. They are sweet, quick, and efficient. I absolutely love her nurses. Brock and I got on the elevator to head up, and our doctor was on the elevator with us. The compassion and sympathy on her face almost did me in. She asked how we were, and we responded numb, and we will find out soon.

There is a receptionist at my doctor's practice who I do not get along with - I think she is the rudest woman on earth, very unsympathetic and judgmental. It is on my heart to pray for her, and I do. But I did not want to deal with her yesterday, and God intervened. We were able to talk with the other receptionist and she is friendly, cheerful and helpful. We went back into the rooms area, and one of the nurses was with us. She is such a joy, and she asked questions, and you could see on her face what she was thinking. We entered the ultrasound room. I have been in that room more this month than I have ever been with my first two pregnancies combined. You learn the drill, and the nurse and I did all our motions. Then we waited. My husband even knew where he needed to be, and he was there in position when our doctor came in. Not much chit chat, we got right to it. The screen was empty - no more sac.

Our baby was gone.

Our doctor gave us some comforting words (as comforting as they could be for the situation). She informed us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. That she is grateful for us that we have two healthy children already, that when it is the first pregnancy that ends this way, it takes longer for the parents to recover. We discussed what I need to watch for and what I need to do the next few weeks, and that was essentially that.

Brock stepped out to start the family phone calls. I headed to the nurses area to set up the lab appointments I need to take care of. My doctor encouraged me to find a group or a person to talk to about all this. I told her that Saturday I had started to look and had found a surprising amount of options considering most people do not talk about miscarriage. And I said we are blessed to have an amazing community of friends, family, and church around us, that we should be good. And she agreed, she was encouraged that for almost all my appointments this go I have always had someone with me - I have not been on this road alone.

So yesterday we let the world know that our baby, Charli by the way, is no longer with us. The day we found out we were expecting, we let our 4 and 2 year old know. Abigail, in her bright and matter of fact way of saying things, proclaimed, ""It's a girl named Charli." My mother's father was Charlie, Charles, but everyone called him Charlie. He passed away shortly after Brock and I met, and one of my joys is that my Papa and my husband met each other. I am not the type of person to wait, so I have been trying out names, as has my husband the past few weeks. and for a girl, I was loving Charli Ann or Charli Grace. And boy names were Charles Richard, Charles Samuel...nothing set in stone, but we were dreaming. And so through this, I have called the baby, I have talked to baby and have said, "Fight Charli, mommy can't do anything, but you can fight."

The outpouring of love, prayers, hugs, and condolences is overwhelming. Our family truly is blessed to be loved by so many.

Abigail and Stone do not know yet. How do you tell young children? I honestly thought Abigail would run up to me at pick up yesterday and ask about our appointment. Neither child peeped last night about the doctor visit or the baby. And so now we are waiting. The preschool knows we lost the baby (many of the staff their are friends), but that the kids do not. My prayer is that when the time comes, God will give me the words to use that will help Abigail understand. Stone is too young a this point to truly comprehend, I am not even sure he really has comprehended the pregnancy. This will be Abigail's first real experience with loss, and at such a young age I am not sure how to guide her through this.

I am not sure I know how to comprehend this event. I have lost a child. But I have nothing to "show" for it. There will be no funeral, no burial, no obituary. Just a scar on my heart, a date written in my Bible, and a pregnancy journal put away.

Someone asked Brock how this experience has been for us. The obvious is a rollercoaster: high's and low's, twists and turns. But also a band aid. You remove a band aid in one of two ways: fast and quick to be done with it, or slow in hopes of avoiding the sting. This experience has been a slow band aid. And so has our grief and mourning. After the first appointment I was mournful because everything showed a blighted ovum and that we would lose the baby. But then we had upbeat blood work and we saw the fetal pull flickering on the ultrasound. Then I started to bleed, then it looked like the baby was fine and growing, and now the actual loss.  I cried on Saturday when my husband came home. And I cried yesterday on the drive home from the doctor's office when it occurred to me that I needed to tell him the baby's name was Charli. but other than that I haven't cried. now grief is a funny thing, I know people who get angry and get over things, I know those who cry non-stop for days. Everyone mourns differently, and I don't know how I am going to grieve or when to be honestly. Right now though I am finding comfort in my faith, my family, and that one day I will see Charli. I have found some online communities that are a place for the grieving, and I have found some resources on how to cope. I am waiting for those to come in. Those who know us know the story, but I haven't shared it with strangers who can relate. Right now I am reading and seeing how others have found comfort in this situation. I am also reading. Psalms have been a great help, as has my precept studies this semester. This world is not it. There is more for those of us who believe.

I have commented to people that I am grateful that this has happened at this point in my life. I recognize that my walk is about as strong as it has ever been, and had this tragedy happened at any other point I would not be at peace as I am now.

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)
⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I am at peace. I am sad, but I can know that my husband and I will get through this. We will move on, we will be stronger, and we both recognize that God has a plan in all this. I could not imagine going through this with out Christ as my Savior. Through the past few weeks Bible verses have come to my mind, verses that have comforted me. And that is only possible because I have spent dedicated time in the Bible reading and memorizing it, and the fact that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lives in me.

 

Charli Shuman

January 28, 2017

 

 

Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

No matter, we will praise Him

My first appointment after my pregnancy test did not go as expected.

We were not able to see the baby. I will be 10 weeks along tomorrow and my doctor does not question the due date. She told me the words blighted ovum. Essentially I am pregnant but more than likely the baby is not developing properly and I will more than likely lose the pregnancy.

I had more labs today, then Thursday morning I will know for sure what is going on.

This weekend was hard. I barely made it home from my appointment, I was crying the entire time. Crying, that is too nice a word, I was sobbing. My doctor has never thrown statistics at me, or percentages. She did on Friday, she reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, this is how the body is supposed to work.

I spent most of the weekend on the couch. If my children wanted, I cuddled on them. We told our 4 year old that the baby in mommy's tummy might be sick, and if it is, that God was going to take it to heaven to be with Him. Saturday she got all her doctor dress up toys out, came to me and said she was going to fix the baby in my tummy. I nearly lost it. She is such a sweet and compassionate child. This morning during my quiet time, she crawled up in my lap, and just sat with me. She cuddled with me while I read and wrote. Eventually she looked up at me and asked me if the baby was in my tummy. I told her only God knew.

I shared late Saturday with our community what we are going through. The amount of prayer and support is overwhelming. I made it to church yesterday, connection group and service. Most people were aware of the news that we could be losing the baby, some did not. Everyone has been amazing with prayer and love. I have had people I know reach out to me and tell me that they have miscarried and are here for me if I need them.

I am trusting God. He can work a miracle and let me not be as far along. Or he can chose to take this baby. His ways are not our ways, but I am still going to trust and obey him. I am sad, my heart breaks for my husband and daughter (our son is too young to understand), I am sad for our parents who might not get a chance to meet this little love, and I am thankful.

Thankful for the opportunity to be pregnant again. Thankful for the love of those around me. Thankful I am apart of a family of believers in Christ who are praying for me, my pregnancy, my family. There is a difference in life when you walk with the Lord. I could not imagine going through all this as a non-believer.

Blighted Ovum

My Life is Not My Own.

The morning I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was beyond excited! God had blessed my husband and I, and we were humbled.

At fourteen I was told that conceiving would be difficult, and medical help might not even do much. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and endometriosis. Both which cause fertility issues. My wonderful doctor told me that if after trying for six months then we would see what options were available. It has been over a decade since I had been told that news, and advances had been made. So six months after we were married we started to try to conceive. Two months later I had a positive pregnancy test.

My sweet Abigail stole my heart from the get go. Even though her being a girl was a surprise! Shuman's don't have girls often. Let alone as first born. But we did.

Around the time she turned one, we resolved that one and done sounded good. I was almost done nursing, she was sleeping through the nights, and in this day and age who needs a large family. Also, I decided to work full time. Two weeks after Abigail did turn one, we apparently became pregnant again. About three months into the pregnancy is when I found out.

To be honest, I was not happy. Yes God has blessed us, but I viewed the pregnancy as an intrusion into our life and plans. But, by the time I gave birth to my baby boy, I was in love. See when I had him, I was 5 days into my 29th year on this earth. Nursing for a year minimum would put me 30 and days or months. My 30's were going to be mine! Fit, fabulous, and free of pregnancy/nursing! Even a few days had me uptight. But then God got ahold of me.

Children are a blessing to their parents, and a reward to their grandparents. This sweet boy, while I viewed him as  speed bump in my plans, was exactly apart of God's plan. Our life would not be what it is without him. He is my cuddler, "good" guy, gives the sweetest kisses on my eye lids and forehead, and all around is a boy!

Part of me, in my heart, is sad that I wasn't happy when we found out about expecting him. And in time I believe God will help me get over it.

I love where I am in my walk with God. God convicted me that my 30's were not going to be mine, as I am not mine. The day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior my life belonged to Him. So my 30's are His. I am working on my book, blogging more regularly, and as of yesterday I am expecting.

That is right. I who cannot conceive, and my husband who had a certain surgery, are pregnant again! I am about 7 weeks along, and feeling great.

Brock and I want a large family, and after 2 rough pregnancies we figured 2 biological children was plenty, if we wanted more children we would adopt or foster. Well God apparently thought 2 biological children was not enough. And I feel that this child is already a great blessing. I was horribly sick both times with my children, but to date, nothing yet.

I have "accepted" this pregnancy without reservation. I am excited, and already trying to figure out what God has planned for us: how this work out, the logistics, the financials! But, I am not worried. I am curious, but not fearful at all.

So come mid-August, our family of four will be five, and my husband and I will be out numbered.