There is no word to describe.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

In all the wonder of the world, there is no word for the loss of a child.

Saturday, January 28, 2017 I miscarried our unexpected blessing. The feeling of that process is to devastating to explain. The sensation of the loss and then the gut feeling of knowing what juts happened, a mother's instincts are sharp.

Sunday, January 22 I started bleeding. I called the doctor right away, was put on bed rest for the day, and told to schedule with  my doctor a time sometime in the week to meet. I was assured that this is not uncommon.

Wednesday, January 25 my mother-in-love accompanied me to the doctor and I had my 3rd inner ultrasound. We saw the baby, the fetal pull, but the sac was small, but my doctor seemed optimistic. I went on with life, still bleeding and my lower back hurting, but comforted that the baby was well.

Friday, January 27, my back still hurting, my stomach felt out of sorts. The bleeding was continuing, and I was a nervous wreck. Nothing was normal... I cried myself to sleep.

Early the next morning my sweet baby boy woke up way too early wanting to watch Harry Potter. I shooed him into the other room and told him I would be right there. I stood up out of bed and felt something inside me fall. Then I heard my baby girl saying she wanted to watch Harry Potter too (they are obsessed with movies 1-3 and that is all we watch anymore - thankfully a certain Ice Princess seems to have been forgotten and her song to Let it Go!). I put a brave face on, I set them up with a snack and the movie, then excused myself to my bedroom.

There are things you know, without even knowing that you know, and when you see you just understand. And if you doubt what you are seeing, there is the web to search which can confirm for you. God's blessing was on me Saturday, as my doctor was the doctor on call for the weekend. I called the weekend number, not even sure how to describe what I was going through and my wonderful doctor called me right away. We talked for almost 10 minutes, and with all I said, all my symptoms, she told me I had miscarried, but that we would confirm Monday morning. She wanted me to call as soon as her office opened, talk to her nurse, and they would make sure I was seen right away.

My husband cancelled his clients and came home to be with me. We spent the majority of Saturday at home, just being. Not much was done or accomplished, just the act of being in each others presence. We told our parents what we were going through.

Sunday we got up and we went to church. We told our classes we were having more testing done the next morning, that even more complications had arisen.

Yesterday we got up and we started our day. My parents agreed to take the kids to school so Brock and I could make to the doctor as early as possible. Our sweet and inquisitive four year old asked why Papa and Nana were taking them to school and not myself (mommy). We informed her that the doctor wanted to see the baby, make sure all was well. She accepted that answer, but I could tell her four year old mind had questions.

Traffic was ridiculous, but this is the week of Super Bowl 51 and my doctor's office is right down the road from NRG stadium, so it wasn't unexpected. We arrived early, I made the phone call to upstairs. My doctor has the best nurses. They are sweet, quick, and efficient. I absolutely love her nurses. Brock and I got on the elevator to head up, and our doctor was on the elevator with us. The compassion and sympathy on her face almost did me in. She asked how we were, and we responded numb, and we will find out soon.

There is a receptionist at my doctor's practice who I do not get along with - I think she is the rudest woman on earth, very unsympathetic and judgmental. It is on my heart to pray for her, and I do. But I did not want to deal with her yesterday, and God intervened. We were able to talk with the other receptionist and she is friendly, cheerful and helpful. We went back into the rooms area, and one of the nurses was with us. She is such a joy, and she asked questions, and you could see on her face what she was thinking. We entered the ultrasound room. I have been in that room more this month than I have ever been with my first two pregnancies combined. You learn the drill, and the nurse and I did all our motions. Then we waited. My husband even knew where he needed to be, and he was there in position when our doctor came in. Not much chit chat, we got right to it. The screen was empty - no more sac.

Our baby was gone.

Our doctor gave us some comforting words (as comforting as they could be for the situation). She informed us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. That she is grateful for us that we have two healthy children already, that when it is the first pregnancy that ends this way, it takes longer for the parents to recover. We discussed what I need to watch for and what I need to do the next few weeks, and that was essentially that.

Brock stepped out to start the family phone calls. I headed to the nurses area to set up the lab appointments I need to take care of. My doctor encouraged me to find a group or a person to talk to about all this. I told her that Saturday I had started to look and had found a surprising amount of options considering most people do not talk about miscarriage. And I said we are blessed to have an amazing community of friends, family, and church around us, that we should be good. And she agreed, she was encouraged that for almost all my appointments this go I have always had someone with me - I have not been on this road alone.

So yesterday we let the world know that our baby, Charli by the way, is no longer with us. The day we found out we were expecting, we let our 4 and 2 year old know. Abigail, in her bright and matter of fact way of saying things, proclaimed, ""It's a girl named Charli." My mother's father was Charlie, Charles, but everyone called him Charlie. He passed away shortly after Brock and I met, and one of my joys is that my Papa and my husband met each other. I am not the type of person to wait, so I have been trying out names, as has my husband the past few weeks. and for a girl, I was loving Charli Ann or Charli Grace. And boy names were Charles Richard, Charles Samuel...nothing set in stone, but we were dreaming. And so through this, I have called the baby, I have talked to baby and have said, "Fight Charli, mommy can't do anything, but you can fight."

The outpouring of love, prayers, hugs, and condolences is overwhelming. Our family truly is blessed to be loved by so many.

Abigail and Stone do not know yet. How do you tell young children? I honestly thought Abigail would run up to me at pick up yesterday and ask about our appointment. Neither child peeped last night about the doctor visit or the baby. And so now we are waiting. The preschool knows we lost the baby (many of the staff their are friends), but that the kids do not. My prayer is that when the time comes, God will give me the words to use that will help Abigail understand. Stone is too young a this point to truly comprehend, I am not even sure he really has comprehended the pregnancy. This will be Abigail's first real experience with loss, and at such a young age I am not sure how to guide her through this.

I am not sure I know how to comprehend this event. I have lost a child. But I have nothing to "show" for it. There will be no funeral, no burial, no obituary. Just a scar on my heart, a date written in my Bible, and a pregnancy journal put away.

Someone asked Brock how this experience has been for us. The obvious is a rollercoaster: high's and low's, twists and turns. But also a band aid. You remove a band aid in one of two ways: fast and quick to be done with it, or slow in hopes of avoiding the sting. This experience has been a slow band aid. And so has our grief and mourning. After the first appointment I was mournful because everything showed a blighted ovum and that we would lose the baby. But then we had upbeat blood work and we saw the fetal pull flickering on the ultrasound. Then I started to bleed, then it looked like the baby was fine and growing, and now the actual loss.  I cried on Saturday when my husband came home. And I cried yesterday on the drive home from the doctor's office when it occurred to me that I needed to tell him the baby's name was Charli. but other than that I haven't cried. now grief is a funny thing, I know people who get angry and get over things, I know those who cry non-stop for days. Everyone mourns differently, and I don't know how I am going to grieve or when to be honestly. Right now though I am finding comfort in my faith, my family, and that one day I will see Charli. I have found some online communities that are a place for the grieving, and I have found some resources on how to cope. I am waiting for those to come in. Those who know us know the story, but I haven't shared it with strangers who can relate. Right now I am reading and seeing how others have found comfort in this situation. I am also reading. Psalms have been a great help, as has my precept studies this semester. This world is not it. There is more for those of us who believe.

I have commented to people that I am grateful that this has happened at this point in my life. I recognize that my walk is about as strong as it has ever been, and had this tragedy happened at any other point I would not be at peace as I am now.

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)
⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I am at peace. I am sad, but I can know that my husband and I will get through this. We will move on, we will be stronger, and we both recognize that God has a plan in all this. I could not imagine going through this with out Christ as my Savior. Through the past few weeks Bible verses have come to my mind, verses that have comforted me. And that is only possible because I have spent dedicated time in the Bible reading and memorizing it, and the fact that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lives in me.

 

Charli Shuman

January 28, 2017

 

 

Patriotism, Politics & Faith

 



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Anytime my daughter sees anything red, white, and blue she yells, "Mommy, America!" Doesn't matter if it is the American flag, Texas flag, or even the Houston Texans flag, she associates red, white and blue with America.

It makes my heart happy.

I love that my daughter, even though she doesn't know why, loves her country. Her excitement is catching. It also makes her dad happy because his favorite holiday is Independence Day.

But in this day and age, I have to wonder what has happened to our country. With the way things are going, is there going to be anything for her to be proud of in regards to this country when she is an adult.

I have been interested in politics since my senior year of high school when I took Government AP with Mr. James. He made people think, the work was hard, the class a challenge. If you said you stood for something, or believed in something, you had to have a reason. And because it was what you were raised to believe, or how your parent's believed was not enough for him. He challenged every student to think for themselves and form their own opinions. To do research. Now if after studying, and reflecting you still held the same beliefs and opinions he would leave you be. But you had to put effort into what you thought.

I vote - every election that I can - I vote. As the years have gone by I have done more and more research and feel that with every elections I am more and more informed. I have matured in my voting knowledge and skill. Some elections I have felt at a loss, unsure of who to truly vote for. Other elections I have felt confident with whom I voted for. In fact, in order to make sure I get my vote in I always early vote (missed it once and had to vote on election day and it was horrible!). And, odd as it sounds, I always take my children with me. I have taken them with strollers, wrapped in my Moby, and clinging to my legs. I want them to know about voting and if they have questions, mostly my daughter, I get to explain what I am doing and why it is important.

Then there is this election.

I was flabbergasted that there were 17 nominees for the Republican ticket last year. Now I loved that Ted Cruz was in the running, and I threw my hat behind him. I was more than a bit disappointed when he dropped out. There were a few other candidates that I was okay with if they were the eventual nominee. All that to say - none of them, even Ted Cruz, are perfect, they are all flawed individuals. but I was willing to go along with the party platform for almost any of the nominees.

I will confess, I thought Donald Trump running was a publicity stunt. I did not fathom that he was serious about running. So when he became the Republican nominee....well, I was floored. I never cared for his show, or for him. He has always been rash, rude and crude in my opinion.  And to think that he is who was selected, it has had me thinking, praying, and researching for months.

I will say, without a doubt, I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. That woman is deplorable, and minus being a woman and from America, in my opinion embodies all the characteristics of the anti-Christ. Through over a year of study in the Book of Revelation I know she is not the anti-Christ, but the Bible does tell of people embodying characteristics of the anti-Christ, but as bad as they are, they are not The Anti-Christ. Mrs. Clinton is a liar, does not care about others, has no regard for life (unborn or soldiers), and believes she can do what she wants. In fact, she does do what she wants, and those who can do anything about her corruption have let her get away with it all.

So, many would naturally assume that since I will not vote for Mrs. Clinton I must be voting for Trump. After Ted Cruz dropped out I was really convicted on being held accountable for my vote to God. I have hated voting "the lesser of two evils" for so many years past, and had hoped this year I would be able to vote in good conscience. But with the options presented...there is no lesser evil. It is evil vs. evil and America is the loser. I cannot vote Trump. For about a month I thought that I could swallow my indignation and cast my vote for him, but I cannot deny what he is: a lost man, a philanderer, a chauvinist, disregarder of personal rights, rude, crude...he is deplorable. Not his voters, he himself is the deplorable.

Now, what am I going to do? I have heard it preached from the mountain tops that if I don't cast my vote for Trump I am giving my vote to Hillary. And vice versa. I am contemplating leaving that section of my election ballot blank. I just recently was made aware of  Darrell Castle. I am doing my research, so maybe, just maybe I can "vote" for someone. But I have resolved that I will not vote for Trump or Clinton. And I know people will be upset saying am giving my vote away, that I am part of the problem. No people. The problem is our world is broken and needs Jesus. Too many individuals are putting their faith in flawed individuals and not in Jesus. No matter who wins this election (if Trump or Clinton I believe America loses for the next four years), Jesus is who my faith is in. And when I get to heaven and have to give an account for my actions, I will in good peace say I did not vote for either.

So, 20 years from now, when my daughter is in her mid-20's, what will she have to be proud of in regards to her country? I don't know. But I do know that because of the circus this election has become, more people are registering to vote, and more people appear to be getting engaged. Liberalism and progressivism have chipped away at the foundation that started our country. As I grew up I never imagined the issues (social, political, spiritual)that we are currently facing. Covergirl has their first male spokesman, Christian bakers are shut down for not wanting to make a "wedding" cake for a lesbian couple, communities are destroying themselves because cops defend themselves from someone shooting at them, and a known liar and a t.v. personality are running for president. I don't know if to cry, laugh or both. Right now I am still in shock.

So how can we make sure that my daughter, and the all generations to come are proud of America when they get older? the Bible holds the answer:

2 Chronicles 7:14 (ESV)
¹⁴ if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

America was founded with a person's faith in mind. People, we must pray. We need to return to our first love God. We need to develop our relationship with him. We need to serve him, seek him, and live for him. And while many people may proclaim to be believers, they have no fruit to show for it. We are known by the fruits we produce:

Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV)
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Matthew 7:15-20 (ESV)
¹⁵ “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. ¹⁶ You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷ So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸ A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. ¹⁹ Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰ Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.

America is rotting. We are not longer producing spiritual fruit. If we want our children to grow up and have a country they can love, we need to get our knees and pray. We need to do as the Prophet Isaiah told us:
Isaiah 55:6 (NKJV)

⁶ Seek the Lord while He may be found,
Call upon Him while He is near.

 

There will come a time when he will no longer hear us. I pray that it is not too late.

 

Amen