Homemaking

Homemaking. It has been on my mind a good deal here lately. Most people when they think of homemaking , they think of June Cleaver from "Leave it to Beaver."

And you know what, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Being a mom to three children, wife to a husband who is working three jobs, being employed outside of the home myself, my home needs to be a sanctuary. My home needs to be more than just a house.

And God has put it on my heart here lately that yes, I need to be good employee, I need to be at your daughter, daughter-in-law sister; but most importantly my main mission field right now is my home. I need to focus my energies on my husband ,my marriage, and my children.

The past few weeks have been a struggle realigning our home with God's will. Focusing on those things that make our home a sanctuary. I am trying to keep up with laundry which is never ending. And I want to have a joyful spirit about it. The dishwasher daily needs to be loaded and reloaded. Groceries always need to be purchased and it's hard to take three kids to the grocery store. It is doable though as I am learning.

I want my home to be a place where my children know comfort,love and peace. When the world outside is going crazy, I want them when they are within these walls to breathe easy, to sleep peacefully, to be happy.

"So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander."

1 Timothy 5:14 ESV

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." 

Titus 2: 3-5 ESV

And these two verses will be my guiding verses. Homemaking is biblical. And it is what God is calling me to focus on.

Life

When you are told at age 14 that the likelihood of you having a child of your own would more than likely be impossible, and somehow you manage to give birth to three beautiful children, you thank the LORD - daily! I believe my children are a gift from God. I love them, I discipline them, I cherish them.

Psalm 127:3  (NASB)

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

I have been blessed with three beautiful children. 

Abigail is my mini-me, my mother hen, my helper, my sister. This past December she accepted Jesus as her LORD and Savior and was baptized 6 years to the day of her dedication. 

My middle child, Stone, is my nugget (his self appointed nickname). He is my cuddler, my stubborn one, my momma's boy. He is a go-getter, full of energy and has the world's mots amazing imagination. 

My newest, my 4 month old, is Ari. He is the happiest baby on earth. He smiles so big, he laughs, and is such an easy baby. He is our baby we did not know that we needed, and our life is now complete with him in it.

My husband and I have had our children in church almost from the first Sunday they were able to attend after their birth. Regular church attendance is the routine of our life, Sunday's and Wednesday's. Not only that, but we have made the sacrifice to put our children in a Christian school where they are taught the Bible everyday, and attend chapel once a week. Now our youngest is in a daycare, but Christian principals are apart of the curriculum there, so he too is being poured into. We want our children growing up on the foundation of Christ's word. It is the only way to endure through this fallen and broken world. 

Proverbs 22:6  (NASB) 

Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Dec. 16, 2018 - Baby dedication of Ari Matthew Shuman

Children are a gift and a responsibility, God's word tells us that. Brock and I take both concepts seriously. We know that everyone parents differently, and sees to life in their own ways. But thankfully the friends in our lives all hold true to the same core concepts of faith and life. So we are surrounded by people who are like minded. 

I share all this because heavy on my heart is the legislation that was passed in New York a few weeks back. The most horrific anti-life bill was passed, allowing abortion up to the moment of birth. And since then, the true depravity of many of our nations leaders has come to light. Some legislators want to give a mother the option to murder their child after the child has been born.

My little loves on
Valentine's Day 2019

Folks, our country, our world is in trouble. Women want the right to kill their own children at any point. Or at least that is what the legislators have said. My heart shakes at the idea that there are women out there who truly want this. But....the legislators are men and women, fathers and mothers, grandparents...The condition of their hearts....it is so heartbreaking. And I know that there really are women who want this "right." Every year, on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade women march for the right to kill their unborn child. The depravity of that shakes me to the core. 

Luckily, women and men are standing up for life. There is always a counter march that is pro-life. And the numbers for this grow each year. There is hope, but we believers must get on our knees and pray. That is what keeps coming to mind when the news comes out with more laws being proposed to kill babies, or stories about planned parenthood and their horrible practices. 

PRAY

We must pray. Men and women. Life is not a woman issue, it is a human issue. Men need to stand up and speak up - it's their children too that are being murdered. I remember the night I heard about what New York had done. I held my baby boy and just looked at him, and I held him a bit longer before I placed him to sleep in his crib.

I remember giving birth to all three of my children, and to think people want to make it okay to murder a baby up until (and possibly after) birth. The first time I held all my children is a moment I cherish. That feeling, the adrenaline, the rush! Oh the emotions that rush over you. Just typing that up, I can recall the surge of love and emotions.

There needs to be a change. The fact of the matter is, America is going to be called to judgement for the number of innocent lives we have allowed to be slaughtered in the name of "progress" and "women's rights." The land of our country is stained by the blood of the millions of babies who have been murdered in the womb. Blood must be atoned for by blood.

Psalm 106:38 (NASB)

And shed innocent blood,

The blood of their sons and their daughters,

Whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan;

And the land was polluted with the blood.

God takes serious the shedding of innocent blood, His word is filled with references:

•  Deuteronomy 19:10 So innocent blood will not be shed in the midst of your land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance, and bloodguiltiness be on you.
• Deuteronomy 19:13 You shall not pity him, but you shall purge the blood of the innocent from Israel, that it may go well with you.
• Deuteronomy 21:8 Forgive Your people Israel whom You have redeemed, O Lord, and do not place the guilt of innocent blood in the midst of Your people Israel.’ And the bloodguiltiness shall be forgiven them.
• Deuteronomy 21:9 So you shall remove the guilt of innocent blood from your midst, when you do what is right in the eyes of the Lord.
• 1 Samuel 19:5 For he took his life in his hand and struck the Philistine, and the Lord brought about a great deliverance for all Israel; you saw it and rejoiced. Why then will you sin against innocent blood by putting David to death without a cause?”
• 2 Samuel 3:28 Afterward when David heard it, he said, “I and my kingdom are innocent before the Lord forever of the blood of Abner the son of Ner.
• 2 Kings 21:16 Moreover, Manasseh shed very much innocent blood until he had filled Jerusalem from one end to another; besides his sin with which he made Judah sin, in doing evil in the sight of the Lord.
• 2 Kings 24:4 and also for the innocent blood which he shed, for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood; and the Lord would not forgive.
• Proverbs 1:11 If they say, “Come with us, Let us lie in wait for blood, Let us ambush the innocent without cause;
• Proverbs 6:17 Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, And hands that shed innocent blood,
• Isaiah 59:7 Their feet run to evil, And they hasten to shed innocent blood; Their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity, Devastation and destruction are in their highways.
• Jeremiah 7:6 if you do not oppress the alien, the orphan, or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place, nor walk after other gods to your own ruin,
• Jeremiah 19:4 Because they have forsaken Me and have made this an alien place and have burned sacrifices in it to other gods, that neither they nor their forefathers nor the kings of Judah had ever known, and because they have filled this place with the blood of the innocent
• Jeremiah 22:3 Thus says the Lord, “Do justice and righteousness, and deliver the one who has been robbed from the power of his oppressor. Also do not mistreat or do violence to the stranger, the orphan, or the widow; and do not shed innocent blood in this place.
• Jeremiah 22:17 “But your eyes and your heart Are intent only upon your own dishonest gain, And on shedding innocent blood And on practicing oppression and extortion.”
• Jeremiah 26:15 Only know for certain that if you put me to death, you will bring innocent blood on yourselves, and on this city and on its inhabitants; for truly the Lord has sent me to you to speak all these words in your hearing.”
• Joel 3:19 Egypt will become a waste, And Edom will become a desolate wilderness, Because of the violence done to the sons of Judah, In whose land they have shed innocent blood.
• Jonah 1:14 Then they called on the Lord and said, “We earnestly pray, O Lord, do not let us perish on account of this man’s life and do not put innocent blood on us; for You, O Lord, have done as You have pleased.”
• Matthew 27:4 saying, “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood.” But they said, “What is that to us? See to that yourself!”
• Matthew 27:24 When Pilate saw that he was accomplishing nothing, but rather that a riot was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd, saying, “I am innocent of this Man’s blood; see to that yourselves.”

Shedding innocent blood is a sin, it separates us from the blessings and full life God has for us. Can God forgive us, as a nation, for the millions of babies who have died? Yes. We as a nation though must turn the laws around, make it a crime again in this country to kill a baby. Then and only then can we start to see God's forgiveness.

Movie Warning

I am not a helicopter mom by any means. My kids do not have me hovering over them all day every day. I let them breathe, I let them learn, I let them play, I let them have consequences. I am not raising them to stay my babies forever, but to become responsible adults who not only will function in society but contribute in a positive manner.

And part of that is sheltering them from some of the ills of the world. As they get older it is harder and harder (and I say that with them being only 3 and 5). I know I cannot wrap them in bubble wrap and isolate them. They have to be exposed to humanity and society to some degree so that when they are no longer under my roof they don't rebel and become trouble makers ransacking society. But, at this young age, there are still many things they do not need to be exposed to. In time we will have conversations, but when they are old enough and mature enough - and for each child that will vary. Boys and Girls age/mature differently, so a conversation I have with my daughter at age 9 might not happen until age 11 with my son.

This is not my normal post. We do watch movies, my husband and I, and we do let our kids watch movies. Princess's, super hero's, Disney classics, Bible stories, it runs the gauntlet on what my littles can watch. They don't watch a movie every day, we have dedicated play time, book time, and weather permitting, we send them outside to get hot and sweaty, and a bit stinky. My daughter has gone to the theater 3 times now, my son twice. It is a treat, and one we try to make happen in the summer for sure, to break up the routine a bit. When it comes to the movies we go to, my husband and I try to pick one that we ourselves will enjoy, but that the kids will understand.

I heard about a movie yesterday, that from the outside looking in, we totally would have taken our kids to! The movie is called "Show Dogs." IMDB gives this description of the movie:

Max, a macho, solitary Rottweiler police dog is ordered to go undercover as a primped show dog in a prestigious Dog Show, along with his human partner, to avert a disaster from happening.
IMDB: Show Dogs

It sounds super fun, and I know my 3 year old would love it: police and dogs! It is right up his alley!

But the article I read yesterday paints a different light on the movie, and it is something that cannot be ignored:

It all started out fine, she says:

“The premise is great for a kids movie.  Max is a talking police dog (voiced by Ludacris) who is paired up with a human partner, Frank (Will Arnett) to infiltrate a prestigious dog show and rescue a kidnapped baby panda.  Being a tough dog from New York, Max has no business competing in a dog show but uses his street smarts to outperform the competition to get closer to the inner circle of kidnappers.  Along the way, Max learns lessons about trust and the need to accept help from others.  The usual hilarity ensues with dog farts, bites on the rear-end, and slap-stick bonks to the head which elicit giggles from the audience. “

It’s when Max the police dog learns what he has to do to truly go undercover and be accepted as a legitimate show dog that the trouble with this movie starts. WHAT does Max (and apparently all the show dogs) have to submit to?
Having his private parts touched and inspected. Yep. Maldonado continues:

“What could have been solely a fun movie for kids that would get my highest recommendation is damaged by a dark and disturbing message hidden, not so subtly between the fluffy dogs and glamorous parties of the show dog lifestyle.  As part of any dog show, contestants are judged on their abilities and physical attributes.  One part, in particular, is the inspection of the dog’s private parts.”

Max, of course, is  NOT cool with this, and when his partner Frank and a former champion show dog try to get him to accept this process, a certain dark and very dangerous theme for kids emerges. Maldonado explains:

“Since the inspection of the private parts will happen in the finals, Frank touches Max’s private parts to get him use to it.  Of course, Max doesn’t like it and snaps at Frank for him to stop.  Max is then told by the former champion, who has been through the process before, that he needs to go to his “zen place” while it happens so he can get through it.  More attempts are made by Frank to touch Max’s private parts, but Max is still having trouble letting it happen and keeps snapping at him.”

Max needs to get it together, see, and LET PEOPLE TOUCH HIS PRIVATE PARTS, or he might lose the competition and fail at his mission to rescue the kidnapped panda.
Do you see what’s happening here? Max’s success is riding on whether or not he lets both his partner (for practice) and a stranger (the competition judge) touch his private parts.

IN A KIDS MOVIE. WHAT???
Newsflash, folks: THIS IS CALLED GROOMING and it’s what sexual predators do to kids!
It gets worse. Maldonado describes the movie’s dramatic dog show finals scene:

The day of the finals come and if Max doesn’t let his private parts be touched, he may lose the competition and any hope of finding the kidnapped panda.  It all rests on his ability to let someone touch his private parts.  The judge’s hands slowly reach behind Max and he goes to his “zen place”.  He’s flying through the sky, dancing with his partner, there are fireworks and flowers-everything is great-all while someone is touching his private parts.

So a stranger touches Max’s privates and it MUST feel good because Max has gone to his happy place while being fondled.
UMMM. NO.
Maldonado saw the movie with not only her kids, but her husband and her mother too. After the movie, all three adults felt uncomfortable with the “private parts” stuff. She says:

During the movie, I kept thinking, “This is wrong, it doesn’t need to be in a kids movie. Everything else in the movie is good fun except for this.”  Afterward, my husband mentioned that he picked up on this message too, as did my mother who saw the movie with us.  Dog Show Movie Review

Numerous mom friends of mine on social media have been sharing the warning not to take your children to this movie. And I have to concur. I was curious though what Focus on the Family: Plugged In Movie Review had to say. I was shocked.

Conclusion

Show Dogs is a kids' movie through and through. If you consider its story and presentation on a graduated scale—say, one that ranges from whine and scratch on the low end all the way up to a family pleasing tail-wag peak—this pic probably qualifies as a Saturday-matinee chew toy that lands on the less-enthusiastic, flea-bitten side of the scale. It feels like a talking-dog version of Miss Congeniality: a canine caper the youngsters will giggle at even as parents roll their eyes wearily.
On the plus side, it actually has plenty of action and less doggy doo-doo humor than I expected. And in the negative column, there are some extended dog-private-parts-inspection moments and a couple uses of the word "d--n" that really should have been left on the cutting room floor.
Your kids will likely think it's silly and fun. But whatever you do, I'd suggest you leave your family dog at home. 'Cause he'd never forgive you.  Plugged In: Show Dogs

They gave the movie a 4 out 5 for family friendliness. I really am shocked. I visit their site to get an idea of movies my husband and I are considering for our kids, and I feel this is a major letdown. All they shared about the above is this:

Sexual Content

Some of the female dog handlers wear formfitting, low-cut outfits. A male handler ushers in his dog while shirtless. A trainer offers to let Max breed with his dog. Frank repeatedly cups Max's nether regions (off-camera) to prepare him for the judge's on-stage inspection of him. Max and another female show dog share a "kiss," à la that iconic canine canoodle in Lady and the Tramp.

They summarize the grooming of a "person" to accept fondling by another in one sentence. I am sorry, but that is wrong. My family and I will NOT be seeing this movie, and I plan on writing to Focus on the Family and letting them know that this movie is not appropriate for anyone, but ESPECIALLY children.

While my children are young, and I make a majority of decisions for them, I will do what I can to shelter them from thinking things like this are normal.

Culture of Idols

Our pastor previously has encouraged everyone to have a few verses that they call life verses. We were to memorize these verses, and have been encouraged to read them daily. I accepted this challenge. And one of my verses is:

In 2002, the show American Idol came out, and everyone I knew was watching it. But I recoiled at the name. I am confident I was saved a few years prior, and while my faith wasn't the strongest, I was trying to grow closer to the LORD. And I feel in my heart that the Holy Spirit put that recoil in my heart, so I would not watch that show.

My first stepfather used to call my Hollywood. I always wore sunglasses in the house, played dress up, and yeah, it was my nickname. He even called me it, after a decade of not seeing him, when my brother graduated high school. And I thought it was a cool pet name. I remember growing up, actors/actresses were Hollywood Stars. But as I grew up, that went away. Then in 2002 the show came out.

And in the years since, I have come to realize why God gave the first commandment, and the second:

Exodus 20 (ESV) - The Ten Commandments

And God spoke all these words, saying,

2 “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.

3 “You shall have no other gods before me.

4 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5 You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

I have come to learn that the order God gives His words matter, how He starts His words and ends them matters too. All of God's words matter, but He puts an emphasis on certain parts, because we as humans fail, need extra direction and guidance.

God want's to be first in our life.

Matthew 6:33 (ESV)
33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

These 4 verses are so important, and more than relevant these days.  John warned us to keep from idols. He did so, because, our hearts are deceptive and we easily go astray. Now, in his time, idols, the false gods, were little tokens, statues, etc. Man made items that could not talk/walk/think. And here we are around 2,000 years later, and not much has changed. We might not have blatant altars and statues. But we are surrounded by idols. Food, television, computers, smart phones, shopping, hobbies.

We put all of these things before God on a daily basis. And I am no better than anyone else. When you do not make time to pray and read your Bible daily because you are too busy, well...what do you have time for? How many times did you browse Facebook? Did you clean up your emails? Did you get your 3 mile run in? What did you listen to while driving your kids to school and yourself to work?

This past week was the World Series of Baseball. And our hometown team, the Houston Astros played. I am not a sports chick. I will go to games, watch occasionally on t.v., but I honestly don't care for any of it. My life is not made better by it, or worse, it has no impact on my life. Normally. This past week though, my Facebook feed was packed with orange. Everyone excited for the games, emotions running high and low, people decked out in the colors. I let my kids dress up for school once or twice, there is no harm in minor participation. Honestly, I only stayed up the last night, and even fell asleep before the game ended. Houston won! And the frenzy only increased. HISD closed down on Friday (it appeared to be for the parade, so students could go, but it was because the school buses could not transverse due to the parade). Oh and the parade. Parts of the city closed down, thousands of people in attendance, kids taken out of school, families in line for hours for merchandise, news coverage wall-to-wall.

Life is tough. Houston not even 2 1/2 months ago was devastated by Hurricane Harvey. Many people still have not recovered. This was a break and a relief. I an not against that. I have my luxuries, my little pleasures. And I pray that God would convict me if any of those started to consume my life. Because if they are consuming my life, they are coming before Him. It takes work to stay focused on God, and not let idols come before Him.

Now, lets go back to Hollywood and American Idol. I truly believe America is a land of idols, that we are putting everything before God. And God is starting to remove the scales from our eyes to see how destructive these idols WE make are to our lives. In the past week or so, it has come out that major producers and actors have abused power given to them to abuse, molest, and harm others. And horrific stories keep coming out about the different abuses. We, as society, have allowed these individuals to be paid ridiculous money,share their worldly opinions with all, and be an influence in our lives. And many of them apparently have been abused or been abusers. The appear to have everything: glitter, gold, friends, riches, glory. But it is all falling apart. And apparently this false world has existed for decades.

John was wise to end 1 John with his words, "Little children, keep yourself from idols." The offer no hope, no future, and pry our focus off of God. Who needs to be our first search, in all that we do. We need to focus on Him, put Him first in our lives. If we do that, He will work things out for us.

I recommend reading the Book of 1 John, it's theme is "-God is Love."

There is no word to describe.

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.
A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.
A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.
There is no word for a parent who loses a child.
That’s how awful the loss is.
– Jay Neugeboren – An Orphan’s Tale – 1976

In all the wonder of the world, there is no word for the loss of a child.

Saturday, January 28, 2017 I miscarried our unexpected blessing. The feeling of that process is to devastating to explain. The sensation of the loss and then the gut feeling of knowing what juts happened, a mother's instincts are sharp.

Sunday, January 22 I started bleeding. I called the doctor right away, was put on bed rest for the day, and told to schedule with  my doctor a time sometime in the week to meet. I was assured that this is not uncommon.

Wednesday, January 25 my mother-in-love accompanied me to the doctor and I had my 3rd inner ultrasound. We saw the baby, the fetal pull, but the sac was small, but my doctor seemed optimistic. I went on with life, still bleeding and my lower back hurting, but comforted that the baby was well.

Friday, January 27, my back still hurting, my stomach felt out of sorts. The bleeding was continuing, and I was a nervous wreck. Nothing was normal... I cried myself to sleep.

Early the next morning my sweet baby boy woke up way too early wanting to watch Harry Potter. I shooed him into the other room and told him I would be right there. I stood up out of bed and felt something inside me fall. Then I heard my baby girl saying she wanted to watch Harry Potter too (they are obsessed with movies 1-3 and that is all we watch anymore - thankfully a certain Ice Princess seems to have been forgotten and her song to Let it Go!). I put a brave face on, I set them up with a snack and the movie, then excused myself to my bedroom.

There are things you know, without even knowing that you know, and when you see you just understand. And if you doubt what you are seeing, there is the web to search which can confirm for you. God's blessing was on me Saturday, as my doctor was the doctor on call for the weekend. I called the weekend number, not even sure how to describe what I was going through and my wonderful doctor called me right away. We talked for almost 10 minutes, and with all I said, all my symptoms, she told me I had miscarried, but that we would confirm Monday morning. She wanted me to call as soon as her office opened, talk to her nurse, and they would make sure I was seen right away.

My husband cancelled his clients and came home to be with me. We spent the majority of Saturday at home, just being. Not much was done or accomplished, just the act of being in each others presence. We told our parents what we were going through.

Sunday we got up and we went to church. We told our classes we were having more testing done the next morning, that even more complications had arisen.

Yesterday we got up and we started our day. My parents agreed to take the kids to school so Brock and I could make to the doctor as early as possible. Our sweet and inquisitive four year old asked why Papa and Nana were taking them to school and not myself (mommy). We informed her that the doctor wanted to see the baby, make sure all was well. She accepted that answer, but I could tell her four year old mind had questions.

Traffic was ridiculous, but this is the week of Super Bowl 51 and my doctor's office is right down the road from NRG stadium, so it wasn't unexpected. We arrived early, I made the phone call to upstairs. My doctor has the best nurses. They are sweet, quick, and efficient. I absolutely love her nurses. Brock and I got on the elevator to head up, and our doctor was on the elevator with us. The compassion and sympathy on her face almost did me in. She asked how we were, and we responded numb, and we will find out soon.

There is a receptionist at my doctor's practice who I do not get along with - I think she is the rudest woman on earth, very unsympathetic and judgmental. It is on my heart to pray for her, and I do. But I did not want to deal with her yesterday, and God intervened. We were able to talk with the other receptionist and she is friendly, cheerful and helpful. We went back into the rooms area, and one of the nurses was with us. She is such a joy, and she asked questions, and you could see on her face what she was thinking. We entered the ultrasound room. I have been in that room more this month than I have ever been with my first two pregnancies combined. You learn the drill, and the nurse and I did all our motions. Then we waited. My husband even knew where he needed to be, and he was there in position when our doctor came in. Not much chit chat, we got right to it. The screen was empty - no more sac.

Our baby was gone.

Our doctor gave us some comforting words (as comforting as they could be for the situation). She informed us that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. That she is grateful for us that we have two healthy children already, that when it is the first pregnancy that ends this way, it takes longer for the parents to recover. We discussed what I need to watch for and what I need to do the next few weeks, and that was essentially that.

Brock stepped out to start the family phone calls. I headed to the nurses area to set up the lab appointments I need to take care of. My doctor encouraged me to find a group or a person to talk to about all this. I told her that Saturday I had started to look and had found a surprising amount of options considering most people do not talk about miscarriage. And I said we are blessed to have an amazing community of friends, family, and church around us, that we should be good. And she agreed, she was encouraged that for almost all my appointments this go I have always had someone with me - I have not been on this road alone.

So yesterday we let the world know that our baby, Charli by the way, is no longer with us. The day we found out we were expecting, we let our 4 and 2 year old know. Abigail, in her bright and matter of fact way of saying things, proclaimed, ""It's a girl named Charli." My mother's father was Charlie, Charles, but everyone called him Charlie. He passed away shortly after Brock and I met, and one of my joys is that my Papa and my husband met each other. I am not the type of person to wait, so I have been trying out names, as has my husband the past few weeks. and for a girl, I was loving Charli Ann or Charli Grace. And boy names were Charles Richard, Charles Samuel...nothing set in stone, but we were dreaming. And so through this, I have called the baby, I have talked to baby and have said, "Fight Charli, mommy can't do anything, but you can fight."

The outpouring of love, prayers, hugs, and condolences is overwhelming. Our family truly is blessed to be loved by so many.

Abigail and Stone do not know yet. How do you tell young children? I honestly thought Abigail would run up to me at pick up yesterday and ask about our appointment. Neither child peeped last night about the doctor visit or the baby. And so now we are waiting. The preschool knows we lost the baby (many of the staff their are friends), but that the kids do not. My prayer is that when the time comes, God will give me the words to use that will help Abigail understand. Stone is too young a this point to truly comprehend, I am not even sure he really has comprehended the pregnancy. This will be Abigail's first real experience with loss, and at such a young age I am not sure how to guide her through this.

I am not sure I know how to comprehend this event. I have lost a child. But I have nothing to "show" for it. There will be no funeral, no burial, no obituary. Just a scar on my heart, a date written in my Bible, and a pregnancy journal put away.

Someone asked Brock how this experience has been for us. The obvious is a rollercoaster: high's and low's, twists and turns. But also a band aid. You remove a band aid in one of two ways: fast and quick to be done with it, or slow in hopes of avoiding the sting. This experience has been a slow band aid. And so has our grief and mourning. After the first appointment I was mournful because everything showed a blighted ovum and that we would lose the baby. But then we had upbeat blood work and we saw the fetal pull flickering on the ultrasound. Then I started to bleed, then it looked like the baby was fine and growing, and now the actual loss.  I cried on Saturday when my husband came home. And I cried yesterday on the drive home from the doctor's office when it occurred to me that I needed to tell him the baby's name was Charli. but other than that I haven't cried. now grief is a funny thing, I know people who get angry and get over things, I know those who cry non-stop for days. Everyone mourns differently, and I don't know how I am going to grieve or when to be honestly. Right now though I am finding comfort in my faith, my family, and that one day I will see Charli. I have found some online communities that are a place for the grieving, and I have found some resources on how to cope. I am waiting for those to come in. Those who know us know the story, but I haven't shared it with strangers who can relate. Right now I am reading and seeing how others have found comfort in this situation. I am also reading. Psalms have been a great help, as has my precept studies this semester. This world is not it. There is more for those of us who believe.

I have commented to people that I am grateful that this has happened at this point in my life. I recognize that my walk is about as strong as it has ever been, and had this tragedy happened at any other point I would not be at peace as I am now.

Philippians 4:7 (ESV)
⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And I am at peace. I am sad, but I can know that my husband and I will get through this. We will move on, we will be stronger, and we both recognize that God has a plan in all this. I could not imagine going through this with out Christ as my Savior. Through the past few weeks Bible verses have come to my mind, verses that have comforted me. And that is only possible because I have spent dedicated time in the Bible reading and memorizing it, and the fact that I have a relationship with Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit lives in me.

 

Charli Shuman

January 28, 2017

 

 

Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

My Life is Not My Own.

The morning I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was beyond excited! God had blessed my husband and I, and we were humbled.

At fourteen I was told that conceiving would be difficult, and medical help might not even do much. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and endometriosis. Both which cause fertility issues. My wonderful doctor told me that if after trying for six months then we would see what options were available. It has been over a decade since I had been told that news, and advances had been made. So six months after we were married we started to try to conceive. Two months later I had a positive pregnancy test.

My sweet Abigail stole my heart from the get go. Even though her being a girl was a surprise! Shuman's don't have girls often. Let alone as first born. But we did.

Around the time she turned one, we resolved that one and done sounded good. I was almost done nursing, she was sleeping through the nights, and in this day and age who needs a large family. Also, I decided to work full time. Two weeks after Abigail did turn one, we apparently became pregnant again. About three months into the pregnancy is when I found out.

To be honest, I was not happy. Yes God has blessed us, but I viewed the pregnancy as an intrusion into our life and plans. But, by the time I gave birth to my baby boy, I was in love. See when I had him, I was 5 days into my 29th year on this earth. Nursing for a year minimum would put me 30 and days or months. My 30's were going to be mine! Fit, fabulous, and free of pregnancy/nursing! Even a few days had me uptight. But then God got ahold of me.

Children are a blessing to their parents, and a reward to their grandparents. This sweet boy, while I viewed him as  speed bump in my plans, was exactly apart of God's plan. Our life would not be what it is without him. He is my cuddler, "good" guy, gives the sweetest kisses on my eye lids and forehead, and all around is a boy!

Part of me, in my heart, is sad that I wasn't happy when we found out about expecting him. And in time I believe God will help me get over it.

I love where I am in my walk with God. God convicted me that my 30's were not going to be mine, as I am not mine. The day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior my life belonged to Him. So my 30's are His. I am working on my book, blogging more regularly, and as of yesterday I am expecting.

That is right. I who cannot conceive, and my husband who had a certain surgery, are pregnant again! I am about 7 weeks along, and feeling great.

Brock and I want a large family, and after 2 rough pregnancies we figured 2 biological children was plenty, if we wanted more children we would adopt or foster. Well God apparently thought 2 biological children was not enough. And I feel that this child is already a great blessing. I was horribly sick both times with my children, but to date, nothing yet.

I have "accepted" this pregnancy without reservation. I am excited, and already trying to figure out what God has planned for us: how this work out, the logistics, the financials! But, I am not worried. I am curious, but not fearful at all.

So come mid-August, our family of four will be five, and my husband and I will be out numbered.

No Santa...and other parenting differences.

"Abigail, are you ready for Santa to bring you presents?" Mrs. G. asked my 4 year old. Who in turn replied, "Mommy and daddy work hard, we don't get gifts from Santa."

The look on my friends face was one of horror.

We. Don't. Do. Santa.

My husband and I made the decision to not do: Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, or the Elf on the Shelf, before we ever conceived.

Now hear me out Christmas is my favorite holiday. My tree is up, I want a 2nd one even, I have wreaths up, Christmas oven mitts out, we bake Christmas cookies, and watch Christmas themed cartoons. I love the idea of Santa, even have a few ornaments on my tree of the jolly old guy. But, my husband and I do work hard, and if we give something to our children, we want them to know that it is because we worked for it.

Years ago I heard the story of Tim Tebow and his mom. She too did not do Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. Her reason (and ours too): What happens when your child finds out the truth? Something inside them knows that you can lie to them, and to a 6 or 9 year old, being told Santa isn't real is earth shattering. That child will call into question what else have you lied about. And like Tim Tebow's mom, we don't want our kids to think that Jesus is a lie.

The look on my friends face is one I have seen before. I have had people look in me in the face and tell me I am mean, a Grinch, and that I have sucked all the joy out of the holiday's - just because my family has chosen to not do Santa.

Do I think my husband and I have taken all the joy out of the season? No. My children are excited, they have there 3 gifts from their parents under the tree. A box arrived from their great grandmother, and they cannot wait to open it. And just yesterday, our neighbor brought over a gift for each of the kids. The stash under the tree is growing. My kids are excited. And my four old will tell you, besides that we don't get presents from Santa, but that the reason we celebrate is Jesus.

This isn't just about the holidays, this is about different parenting styles. I have friends with grown children, grandchildren even, teenagers, elementary age, preschool age and even newborns. And not a single one of parents the same way. Some are fine with their 4 year old having a pacifier, others are mortified that their 1 year old still has one. Some are fine with their daughters having messages on their rear ends, not going to happen in my household. I have friends who have devoted their life to their children doing sports, all the sports you can imagine. They spend months with one team/one sport, then move onto the next. My daughter is 4 and will try t-ball in the Spring - after that, who knows. I have friends who on Sunday sleep in, eat a hot breakfast at home, and spend the day watching movies. My family is different. We wake, we dress then go to church for half the day essentially.

No matter the differences, there is one thing in common.

We are all doing the best we can, and believe we are doing what is best for our family, for our children. I might not understand why some of my friends do what they do, and I bet I confuse them at times with what we do. But at the heart of the matter, we do what we do because we love the little humans we have been blessed with.

So, when someone tells you "We don't do__________." Don't be mortified or feel you need to justify why you do "do ___________." Nod your head and say okay. And remember, life didn't come with a handbook (other than the Bible) and so for the most part, we are all winging life.

God bless!