Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.

No matter, we will praise Him

My first appointment after my pregnancy test did not go as expected.

We were not able to see the baby. I will be 10 weeks along tomorrow and my doctor does not question the due date. She told me the words blighted ovum. Essentially I am pregnant but more than likely the baby is not developing properly and I will more than likely lose the pregnancy.

I had more labs today, then Thursday morning I will know for sure what is going on.

This weekend was hard. I barely made it home from my appointment, I was crying the entire time. Crying, that is too nice a word, I was sobbing. My doctor has never thrown statistics at me, or percentages. She did on Friday, she reassured me that I had done nothing wrong, this is how the body is supposed to work.

I spent most of the weekend on the couch. If my children wanted, I cuddled on them. We told our 4 year old that the baby in mommy's tummy might be sick, and if it is, that God was going to take it to heaven to be with Him. Saturday she got all her doctor dress up toys out, came to me and said she was going to fix the baby in my tummy. I nearly lost it. She is such a sweet and compassionate child. This morning during my quiet time, she crawled up in my lap, and just sat with me. She cuddled with me while I read and wrote. Eventually she looked up at me and asked me if the baby was in my tummy. I told her only God knew.

I shared late Saturday with our community what we are going through. The amount of prayer and support is overwhelming. I made it to church yesterday, connection group and service. Most people were aware of the news that we could be losing the baby, some did not. Everyone has been amazing with prayer and love. I have had people I know reach out to me and tell me that they have miscarried and are here for me if I need them.

I am trusting God. He can work a miracle and let me not be as far along. Or he can chose to take this baby. His ways are not our ways, but I am still going to trust and obey him. I am sad, my heart breaks for my husband and daughter (our son is too young to understand), I am sad for our parents who might not get a chance to meet this little love, and I am thankful.

Thankful for the opportunity to be pregnant again. Thankful for the love of those around me. Thankful I am apart of a family of believers in Christ who are praying for me, my pregnancy, my family. There is a difference in life when you walk with the Lord. I could not imagine going through all this as a non-believer.

Blighted Ovum

My Life is Not My Own.

The morning I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was beyond excited! God had blessed my husband and I, and we were humbled.

At fourteen I was told that conceiving would be difficult, and medical help might not even do much. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and endometriosis. Both which cause fertility issues. My wonderful doctor told me that if after trying for six months then we would see what options were available. It has been over a decade since I had been told that news, and advances had been made. So six months after we were married we started to try to conceive. Two months later I had a positive pregnancy test.

My sweet Abigail stole my heart from the get go. Even though her being a girl was a surprise! Shuman's don't have girls often. Let alone as first born. But we did.

Around the time she turned one, we resolved that one and done sounded good. I was almost done nursing, she was sleeping through the nights, and in this day and age who needs a large family. Also, I decided to work full time. Two weeks after Abigail did turn one, we apparently became pregnant again. About three months into the pregnancy is when I found out.

To be honest, I was not happy. Yes God has blessed us, but I viewed the pregnancy as an intrusion into our life and plans. But, by the time I gave birth to my baby boy, I was in love. See when I had him, I was 5 days into my 29th year on this earth. Nursing for a year minimum would put me 30 and days or months. My 30's were going to be mine! Fit, fabulous, and free of pregnancy/nursing! Even a few days had me uptight. But then God got ahold of me.

Children are a blessing to their parents, and a reward to their grandparents. This sweet boy, while I viewed him as  speed bump in my plans, was exactly apart of God's plan. Our life would not be what it is without him. He is my cuddler, "good" guy, gives the sweetest kisses on my eye lids and forehead, and all around is a boy!

Part of me, in my heart, is sad that I wasn't happy when we found out about expecting him. And in time I believe God will help me get over it.

I love where I am in my walk with God. God convicted me that my 30's were not going to be mine, as I am not mine. The day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior my life belonged to Him. So my 30's are His. I am working on my book, blogging more regularly, and as of yesterday I am expecting.

That is right. I who cannot conceive, and my husband who had a certain surgery, are pregnant again! I am about 7 weeks along, and feeling great.

Brock and I want a large family, and after 2 rough pregnancies we figured 2 biological children was plenty, if we wanted more children we would adopt or foster. Well God apparently thought 2 biological children was not enough. And I feel that this child is already a great blessing. I was horribly sick both times with my children, but to date, nothing yet.

I have "accepted" this pregnancy without reservation. I am excited, and already trying to figure out what God has planned for us: how this work out, the logistics, the financials! But, I am not worried. I am curious, but not fearful at all.

So come mid-August, our family of four will be five, and my husband and I will be out numbered.

Children are a gift of God. And Abortion is MURDER.

Let me start this with saying: if you have had an abortion and regretted it, yes you allowed something horrible to be done, but God will forgive you. He is merciful, and just, and He will lovingly take you back into His fold, all you have to do is ask.

Now, if you read the news, I am pretty sure you know who Lena Dunham is. I distastefully call her a woman, she is not much of one, but God made her one so that settles it no matter how I view her. This disgusting woman, who wrote about an experience with her sister (Lena was 7, her sister was1) that sends chills up my spine (see link below) had the audacity to proclaim the following:

“Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”

She was at an abortion clinic, a Planned Parenthood if you are wondering, and a young girl "asked me if I’d like to be a part of her project in which women share their stories of abortions,” Dunham said. “I sort of jumped. ‘I haven’t had an abortion,’ I told her. I wanted to make it really clear to her that as much as I was going out and fighting for other women’s options, I myself had never had an abortion.”

She has never had one but she wishes she had.

There is so much wrong with this woman I am not sure where to begin.

She goes onto say,
“And I realized then that even I was carrying within myself stigma around this issue,” Dunham continued. “Even I, the woman who cares as much as anybody about a woman’s right to choose, felt it was important that people know I was unblemished in this department.”
…“I feel so proud of them for their bravery, for their self-knowledge, and it was a really important moment for me then to realize I had internalized some of what society was throwing at us and I had to put it in the garbage,” she said.

I read Matt Walsh. He is a Christian Conservative who speaks on faith, family, politics, and much more. Much is tongue in cheek but there is a heavy dose of truth and wake up! He shared what Ms. Dunham expressed and has written a few times in the past two days on the matter.(see below again) The last he shared was on the stigma. How, yes, there is a stigma to abortion, and for those who feel there shouldn't be, shame on you. That stigma, that guilt, that is your conscience speaking. That is the Holy Spirit telling you that abortion is wrong.

The great thing about God is that He will never go away. Therefore the Holy Spirit will not go away. And the stigma of abortion will not go away. I watched earlier this year the videos of the abortionist discussing money for different aborted baby parts.

Over salad people were discussing how much money could be made by murdering babies, cutting them up and selling the parts.

Again, there are so many things wrong with that statement...

Psalm 139:13 (ESV)

 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

God knit us in our mother's womb. That means created. And if you know a knitter, they love what they create, the cherish it. As does our Heavenly Father love us.

I am disgusted by Ms. Dunham. She needs prayer's ya'll. Her and those like her. Maybe we have lost our country and all we can do is pray. I know that Texas today moved forward to prevent Planned Parenthood from receiving Medicare money. That is a step. But these people do not give up. And they won't, they have been at this game for decades, and those of us of faith are behind, and not working hard enough to catch up.

I want to recommend a book to you. It will explain much of what is going on in our country (world), how it all started, why it is happening, and who is behind it. A lady who I admire, and her husband who has an amazing testimony, recommended this book to me. I finished it Monday. Now...it is not an easy read. It will make you mad, make you sad, and make you want to fight. Maybe if enough of us stand up we can fight back and take back our country. But if all we can do is pray, will you join me? Will you pray for the babies who have been murdered since Roe v. Wade? For the hundred of babies killed everyday? Will you pray for the misguided crusader's of choice who think that murdering a baby will make their life better....easier? And will you pray for the church to stand up, call abortion for what it is (MURDER), and to help the women who feel they have no choice?

I cannot wrap my mind around the pro-choice movement. I am not judging those who have had abortions and regretted it. But there are people out there that say their abortion was liberating, the best thing to ever happen to them...and all I can think about is how a baby was murdered.

In the past few days I have 2 stories of families who chose life. One is a family I do not know personally, but they are friends of a sweet family I know. The mother-to-be was told that her baby, the one in her womb, would not live to birth. At 20 weeks gestation, her baby, a girl, was diagnosed with anencephaly (see below). This family did not abort. They instead celebrated every week they had with that little girl. Cupcakes, crafts to remember a little girl who would not grow up. And that sweet baby hung around 15 more weeks until going to be with Jesus just a few days ago. Pray for that family please.

The second story I knew nothing about until I saw something on Facebook a few hours ago. I didn't even know that this friend from high school was pregnant (and I wasn't the only one). But apparently a test had shown something wrong with the baby. Her post today was along the lines of "don't kill your babies, tests can be wrong even when you are told they are 99% accurate, etc." Now, I don't think this friend would abort, her Facebook picture is a panda holding a sign that says "Save the human babies." And today she shared with the world that test was wrong, and her and husband will now be having a baby girl, after already having 2 healthy boys! Praise the Lord for her strength and faith in God. Reading her Facebook wall, it is full of praise, and people proclaiming an answered prayer.

That book, that I think all believers should read is called, "Marketing of Evil: How Radicals, Elitists, and Pseudo-Experts Sell Us Corruption Disguised As Freedom," by David Kupelian. Barnes & Noble and Amazon both sell it. After reading that book, I do have more of an understanding on how people have been sold that Abortion is a right and not evil. But my heart, that I have given to God, refuses to accept it.

Lena Dunham Article

Matt Walsh Article About Stigma of Abortions

Anencephaly Diagnosis

Where to find The Marketing of Evil

Time With Famiy

Did you hear?

I have the best job ever!

I am enjoying, since high school (12 1/2 years ago), two weeks off for Christmas! My new job has some great perks, let me tell you. A week off for Thanksgiving, 2 for Christmas/New Year, 1 week for Spring Break, and a handful of holidays. I work with a great group of individuals who all love the Lord, pray for each other, and enjoy simple fellowship. I feel so blessed.

This week so far I have: read 2 books and am on #3, hit up the gym early in the day, visited with my mom and little brother, and today as a family we all went to the zoo.

Oh the zoo! My kids had a blast. The weather was perfect, not exactly wintery, but hey, I am not complaining. I love cold weather, but the temperatures today insured we spent several hours outside enjoying life!

My wonderful husband with our kiddos 

My little man and I. He is my cuddler and sweet boy.

Proof that they can be sweet to each other.

 We had such a great time petting the goats, avoiding the chickens and seeing the animals moving around. Due to the great weather not many were inside the enclosures. They were lounging in the sun, pacing back and forth. And since many people were working there was hardly anyone there. In past trips we have continually bumped into people - not this trip.

After a few hours we came home. My husband had a few clients lined up for the evening so he wanted to rest. I packed the kids up and went to Chick-fil-A. They got ice cream (we are in Texas) and I got coffee. And let me tell you, the customer service was fantastic! At 3:00 they still had coffee and I wasn't expecting fresh brewed. Well the server gave me my cup and I thought that was that. A few minutes later a manager came over and said she was brewing a fresh batch and would bring me some out shortly. I told her she didn't have to, but thank you. And sure enough, no longer after she swapped my cup out. That was some good coffee! Once the munchkins gobbled up their cones I let them play in the play area. They giggled, made new friends, and went up and down too many times to count. And once we got home I unleashed them and the dog into the back yard. Swings, imagination, tossing the stick for our dog Lady, and lady bugs! My goodness, close to 10 lady bugs around our play-scape. They were lovely and the kids kept trying to grab them. Of all the bugs in the world, those are my favorite and I was tickled pink to see so many!

After a day of much activity neither child argued about dinner - left overs.

Do you know that leftovers are a blessing? Think about it. Leftovers imply so much:

• You have food and the means to prepare it.
• You have enough food to go around and then some.
• You have the means to save (refrigerate) your food.

This year has been tight for us financially, actually the past few years. But through it all I have seen God's hand. He has always allowed us to eat: through food we have prepared, donated meals, gift cards given as gifts, parents/family inviting us over for meals. God takes care of his people. And those of us in America, we have it good. And I feel we take it for granted. I know for one that we throw away many of our leftovers because we get tired of eating the same thing and the fridge needs cleaning. I saw a video yesterday about a lady in Los Angeles who went a month trash free. She only had a handful of scraps at the end, but it was impressive. It takes an effort and work to not waste. It has given me a few things to ponder.

But tonight my kids who are not really picky didn't even blink at their plate of hodgepodge leftovers. And both pretty much cleaned their plates. Normally I get a negotiation about amounts or how many bites, but after a day full of activity dinner was quiet. Little man tuckered out right after 7. I checked on him a bit ago and sweet boy was about to fall out of his bed. Him not being a crib was a smoother transition then I expected.

Abigail and I had a wonderful evening of drawing and games - her homework. Yes, I have my 4 year old "do" homework. But honestly it is just fun. We color, we read, we play games, we create. Sheis learning and we are bonding.

Round 2 - she won the first round.

The memory game was a birthday gift that we finally opened. Abigail really impressed me and I am sure we will repeat this over the next two weeks. Still can't believe my 4 year old beat me.

This time with family has been refreshing. And we have so much more to do. Christmas itself, New Year's day, both of which have church services. There will be time with family, Brock and I will divide and conquer and have fun individually with each kid, and hopefully we will manage a date night sometime soon.

I am thankful for this new chapter in my life. God has given me an opportunity that I never imagined having.

Merry Christmas!

No Santa...and other parenting differences.

"Abigail, are you ready for Santa to bring you presents?" Mrs. G. asked my 4 year old. Who in turn replied, "Mommy and daddy work hard, we don't get gifts from Santa."

The look on my friends face was one of horror.

We. Don't. Do. Santa.

My husband and I made the decision to not do: Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, or the Elf on the Shelf, before we ever conceived.

Now hear me out Christmas is my favorite holiday. My tree is up, I want a 2nd one even, I have wreaths up, Christmas oven mitts out, we bake Christmas cookies, and watch Christmas themed cartoons. I love the idea of Santa, even have a few ornaments on my tree of the jolly old guy. But, my husband and I do work hard, and if we give something to our children, we want them to know that it is because we worked for it.

Years ago I heard the story of Tim Tebow and his mom. She too did not do Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc. Her reason (and ours too): What happens when your child finds out the truth? Something inside them knows that you can lie to them, and to a 6 or 9 year old, being told Santa isn't real is earth shattering. That child will call into question what else have you lied about. And like Tim Tebow's mom, we don't want our kids to think that Jesus is a lie.

The look on my friends face is one I have seen before. I have had people look in me in the face and tell me I am mean, a Grinch, and that I have sucked all the joy out of the holiday's - just because my family has chosen to not do Santa.

Do I think my husband and I have taken all the joy out of the season? No. My children are excited, they have there 3 gifts from their parents under the tree. A box arrived from their great grandmother, and they cannot wait to open it. And just yesterday, our neighbor brought over a gift for each of the kids. The stash under the tree is growing. My kids are excited. And my four old will tell you, besides that we don't get presents from Santa, but that the reason we celebrate is Jesus.

This isn't just about the holidays, this is about different parenting styles. I have friends with grown children, grandchildren even, teenagers, elementary age, preschool age and even newborns. And not a single one of parents the same way. Some are fine with their 4 year old having a pacifier, others are mortified that their 1 year old still has one. Some are fine with their daughters having messages on their rear ends, not going to happen in my household. I have friends who have devoted their life to their children doing sports, all the sports you can imagine. They spend months with one team/one sport, then move onto the next. My daughter is 4 and will try t-ball in the Spring - after that, who knows. I have friends who on Sunday sleep in, eat a hot breakfast at home, and spend the day watching movies. My family is different. We wake, we dress then go to church for half the day essentially.

No matter the differences, there is one thing in common.

We are all doing the best we can, and believe we are doing what is best for our family, for our children. I might not understand why some of my friends do what they do, and I bet I confuse them at times with what we do. But at the heart of the matter, we do what we do because we love the little humans we have been blessed with.

So, when someone tells you "We don't do__________." Don't be mortified or feel you need to justify why you do "do ___________." Nod your head and say okay. And remember, life didn't come with a handbook (other than the Bible) and so for the most part, we are all winging life.

God bless!

Reflections going into the holiday's

Hello Sister Wife's,

I hope this post finds you doing well post Thanksgiving. The past few months have been a whirl wind and I am happy to say my Shuman's and I have begun to set into a routine finally.

I absolutely love my new job and responsibilities at the private school. God always knows what He is doing and He placed me in the right place. I was heading toward burn out, through no fault but my own. My personality and my last position could only couple for so long. The kids are still in the preschool and learning so much. Little man, his vocabulary is blossoming every day, or as much as it can for a 2 year old. Little miss is so bright and sassy, she has her best friend and her favorite teachers. Drop off has gradually gotten easier with time - I must confess, that has been the hardest thing for me. Not being with them all day. I now know what most parent's who utilize childcare have experienced.

But at the same time I have discovered a better sense of my self. Eventually both kids will join me at the Academy. But they rarely, if ever will see me, so I will still have anonymity while being with them. The morning commute to work and the afternoon commute to get them are cherished moments I have needed. In the afternoon's I have discovered a pastor out of Beaumont who preaches the word, teaches so Hebrew grammar and always has a message that hits the heart. Hearing that after a successful day at work is a great refresher before an evening at home with my littles.

Along with the change in career, my spiritual life has been transformed. At the beginning of August or so of this year our pastor challenged people to join what the pastoral staff called, The Joshua Team. It stems from Exodus 33:11

¹¹ So the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend. And he would return to the camp, but his servant Joshua the son of Nun, a young man, did not depart from the tabernacle.

Our Pastor challenged those who wanted to join to commit to 30 minutes of prayer a day, with daily Bible Reading. It was a 40 day initiative. To start, there were 8 verses one was to read though to focus the mind. One was to read a Proverb (the date of the month) and a Psalm (day number of the initiative) and to work through 1 John (would read through it 8 times during the 40 days). The hope was that after the individual would have developed a lifelong habit. Our Pastor mentioned it through September and encouraged people to develop a plan for after and to come up with life verses to commit to memory. About 2 weeks in, over 500 people had signed up to participate.

Today was day 104 for me. I began my 40 days on my first day of my new job. I read Revelation twice after the first 40 days, which took me through day 84, and now I am 20 days into my 3rd 40 day set. I am working my way through the Gospel (will get me through most of the Spring semester). I have developed my 8 life verses I read every day.

And on top of that, starting in October I added scripture writing - which is amazing. So I read my 8 life verses, read my Proverb, Psalm and currently Gospel chapter (I am in Matthew), and then I work on writing scriptures. It being November, I found a thanksgiving writing plan. I will settle on my December one by Tuesday of this next week. It allows me to read a portion of verses (usually around 5), write them and think on them. The act of writing the verses makes them more real to me, I have to pay attention to the words.

On top of all this I am reading for pleasure. And trying to write more. I do want to be published by 33 and have several book ideas in my head, with one started on paper.

During this time....an election occurred. To say it was interesting would be an understatement. I have never been more excited for an election to be complete. It will be interesting to see how 2016 is recorded in the history books 30, 50, 75 years from now. So much hostility, friction, division, and animosity. People are still hurting, and probably will be for some time. There is denial and resentment, and smugness even from some. My thoughts on the whole thing are this:

• We as a country are divided. And we have done it to ourselves.
• We have put our hope in our politicians and elected leaders.
• We have stayed silent and sat back because it was easier.
• We have what we have because we deserve it.

Those are some hard truths to swallow. But we have given up our liberties for the illusion of security. And therefore we really have neither.

As a believer, this is what I hold true:

• This world is not my home.
• No man on earth can save me.
• My hope must rest in Jesus and His kingdom to come.
• As a believer, my life is to show fruits, and my actions show and grow those fruits.

Sister's (and any Brother's reading) we have to stop sitting back. We need to be harvesters in the field. We need to work. The Christian life is not meant to be a cushy position. It takes work, it takes sweat, it takes loss, and sacrifice. We are to be an example of Christ in this broken world. He came to serve not be served. Therefore, how are you serving? How are you helping? Give your time and talents. If you are tired of believers in the faith being persecuted stand up. If you are tired of being dismissed by the media, put your voice out there. If you are not being heard, it is because you are being silent. It might cost you, more than likely it will, but it is better to pay the price then be denied by Christ before the Father.

As we go into the holidays, with Christmas, New Year, and colder weather, lets focus on brotherly love. Let us help each other. Look for ways to lend a hand, give some cookies, or donate a blanket. Most churches have programs going, as do food banks and homeless shelters. We can all do something. And if you have little one's at home, take them with you. It will be hard, but they learn to live the Christian life by seeing you live it out.

We gathered with Thanksgiving in our hearts.