The Look of Mourning

I was not acutely aware that I had changed.

I did not want one incident, one event to become my definition:

"Oh that is Jessica, she lost a child."

I want my life to be described in a series of moments:

"Jessica, she loves her children, loves her husband, serves the Lord, works hard, writes,and lives life to the fullest." "Oh and she hates washing windows."

I have a friend whom I am talking through my emotions and thoughts with. She does not offer solutions, there aren't any. She listens. And it has done me good, to have someone I can talk at. I feel better about where I am in my processing of the situation. I feel like I am making strides in not letting this loss become definition. Her and I have met the past two Saturday's.

This past Sunday morning I had a handful of people comment on my hair, how great it looked. After a few people mentioned my hair, I thought about it. And then it came to me. Since we lost Charli, I have pretty much had my hair up: in a bun, or a clip. I have not worn it down. It has been clean, but I have not taken the hour or so it requires to blow dry and straighten out my hair. But Sunday morning, before church, I did take the time. Which is surprising even more when you consider it was time change Sunday, we had my nephew with us, and my 2 year old was at the start of potty training. I did all that was required to get us ready for church and did my hair.

Without realizing, the loss of Charli had changed my appearance. It wasn't anything major, but then again it was. Church service is two days a week, and I generally am there. Now, I do work for the school that is a ministry of my church, so I am in our church building 6 out of 7 days a week. And sometimes that 7th day too. But for people who do not work there, they only see me 1 to 2 times a week, and for over a month every time they saw me my hair which I normally wear down to church was up, so the sudden switch back to down was noticeable.

Noticeable to everyone but me.

I have looked through my phone and have not really taken any pictures of myself this year. I do have one picture of myself with my husband when we took a trip for just the two of us. My hair is up. I apparently have not felt like taking a picture here recently. Which, I mean, I get.

Life is so quick, time flies. And without realizing, you change. I had adopted a new appearance, without meaning or wanting to. But it happened. I have been more mindful this past week of my appearance, even though I have been at home with my two littles - Spring Break. I am making sure to get dressed, brush my hair, add some make up, and earrings. I am in mourning, but it does not need to take over my life. The loss will always be apart of me, but it will not be me. I am more than a moment in my life.

Hair down, make up on, earrings in.
3/16/2017