Thy Will Be Done....

A sweet new friend (I have known her less than a year) has impacted my spiritual life in a way like not many individuals have. Before her and her family moved away for two years, she introduced me to the song, Thy Will Be Done by Hillary Scott.

Take time, google it, and listen. And if you do not cry, listen again.

My second ultrasound showed life. I got to look at my husband and tell him we have a baby. An explanation cannot be found for the discrepancy in the due date, so instead of being 11w4d today I am only 7w4d. We have rejoiced together with family that the baby was viewable, just a tiny little seed. But the pull of the heart was there, flickering away.

We left the appointment with the plan for me to return in 4 weeks, and now having 1 month longer to
figure out a plan for our new normal.

Yesterday morning I started bleeding.

I am not mad at God. I do not know what to believe. Again, every question looks like those who are in the medical field believe a miscarriage could happen. I stayed home on bed rest yesterday. And almost 36 hours later I am still bleeding. The nurse today said it should resolve by tomorrow - if not call back.

I have been told so many times in the past 3 weeks that "such and such" is "common".

I am tired of hearing that. Because, no, to me, it is not common. I have two healthy children who are sleeping in their beds. I never thought I was going to lose them, I never mourned over dreams shattered when my doctor prepared me to be the statistic of 1 in 4 women who miscarries, and I never bled with them. I threw up, I was nauseous, but I never thought that the dreams I started to build in my mind would never come true.

I am trying to take it easy. After talking with two different doctors and two different nurses, I am not in charge of this. Either this child in my womb will fight (and Lord I am praying for that!) and survive, or the fight will be too much and God will gain another baby.

The nurse this afternoon said my cervix is sensitive, to rest, and call asap if anything changes other than stopping of the blood.

So again, my husband and I are on a rollercoaster. Elated to devastated, to excited, now questioning.

I have talked with family, and friends, and I am trying to make sense of this. I am not mad at God - I am at a point in my walk where I understand that God's ways are not our ways, and we will not understand all that God does or allows. Someone said that maybe we are going through this to be a witness as how Christian's respond to trials.

My heart softens at that. That my pain could bring someone to God, that this is happening so one less person is saved from an eternity separate from God. I want this child, but if this is God's plan, who am I to stand in His way. As I have said recently, my life is not my own. I am here to serve Him.

Please pray for us, that we will endure whatever is to come, that we will have grace and faith that surpasses understanding.