MARRIAGE: Protect it! Fight for it!

This past Tuesday night was a normal night for our household. The one exception is that the kids were super excited to be going to the zoo the next day. Getting 2 kids under the age of 5 to bed with thoughts of lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) in their heads is not an easily accomplished task.

But my husband in persevered and both kids went to bed. So the two of us did what I assume most couples do in America these days once the kids are in bed, we plopped on the couch, put a sitcom on, and somewhat mindlessly browsed Facebook on our phone.

A post by a lady stood out to me in my browsing. The summer study for my connection group at church is Lysa TerKeurst's "Finding I AM." So maybe because I am engrossed in her study every day, sharing tidbits on our connection group page, seeing that she posted something stood out. So I read her post.

And then I was in shock. My heart broke for Lysa. For those of you who want to read her own words, here is the link to her post:

 

Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful God

Let me summarize:

Her husband of almost 25 years for about 2 years was unfaithful to her and developed a substance abuse issue. And after therapy, counseling, prayer, fasting she is filing for divorce. Her own words:

"When I first found out about Art’s infidelity 18 months ago, I made the decision not to divorce him. I had just finished fasting and praying for 28 days and really felt led by the Lord that I was to love Art in my reaction to this shocking news and trust God for every step moving forward. I was still committed to doing everything I could think of to make our story one of restoration, even in the face of the worst kind of betrayal imaginable. I prayed continually. I sought counsel from family and other wise friends. And Art and I even made repeated trips across the country together for intensive counseling especially designed for marriages in crisis. But sadly, though I have repeatedly forgiven and accepted him back, he has continued to abuse substances, be unfaithful, and refused to be truthful to me and our family.

I believe I have the capacity to love Art and to forgive him, but his steadfast refusal to end the infidelity has led me to make the hardest decision of my life. After much prayer and consultation with wise, biblically-minded people, I have decided that Art has abandoned our marriage. Yet, the Lord has been so faithful to help me at every step of this very painful journey and has now assured me I’ve done all I can do."

Do you understand why I was (and still somewhat am) in shock? Let's review Lysa's "resume" if you will:

• President of Proverbs 31 Ministries and the New York Times best-selling author of Uninvited, The Best Yes, Unglued, Made to Crave, and 16 other books.
• Married 25 years
• Raised 5 children

Now lets go worldly - she is gorgeous, put together. She is the WHOLE package.
But she wasn't enough.

Lord help us, if a woman like her isn't enough - how can our own marriage survive? We are dis-shelved, stay at home moms, or assistants in offices. Our roots are showing (our ends need a trim too to be honest), toe nails need a pedicure, our clothes don't fit just right anymore (because we are too tired to go to the gym).

Most would say her husband didn't have a reason to cheat, but he was missing something. And it wasn't something Lysa could give him. He thought another woman could give him what he was missing. But she cannot and eventually he will realize that. That longing, that something that is missing - only Jesus can fill that need.

Proverbs 5 is a warning against adultery. Let's look at verses 15-20:

Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?

God is warning us, the decision you made in your youth - honor it. If you married young, fight for your marriage years down the road. Keep the fires burning. The spouse of your youth, the one who was with you in the hard times, when you were dirt poor, had nothing, but that person stood by you - stand by them. Do not upgrade or trade up - which the world will tell you is fitting. Reject that teaching. Stay married, woo your spouse, fight for them.

At work we talked about Mrs. TerKeurst's situation. Several of us read the comments left by others in response to her sharing. Our world is breaking. People are devastated. Post after post, women were pouring out their hearts that they knew what she was going through. That they understand, they are in her shoes.

I read a commentary that summed the situation up nicely (for lack of any other word):

"Not ONE of us is immune to Satan’s plans for our marriage."

What Lysa TerKeurst’s Divorce Tells Us About Our Own Marriages

Marriage was the first institution created by God.
Before the church, the feasts, the celebrations in the tabernacle, God created Marriage. Marriage is important to God - it should be important to you and me.

Genesis 2: 18-25

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”  Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed."

God made man, and did not want him to be alone, that it wasn't good for him to be alone, so he made woman for him. To help him. We are designed to be coupled, to become one flesh, to serve the Lord together. And Satan is doing everything he can to destroy the institution of family. Satan thought he should be God, so he is about to destroy God. You and I know that in the end Satan loses, but until then he has a freedom to cause chaos. His (Satan) chaos should cause us to move toward the Father, to draw closer to God, to strive to live as Christ lived.

And right now - we need to fight for our marriages. If your friendships are not building up your marriage, get rid of the friendships. If your parents do not support/believe/encourage your spouse, spend less time with your parents. Show your children that your spouse comes before them - as God intended. Love your spouse, dance with them in the kitchen, kiss them before bed. If you are having troubles, seek help - counseling, see your pastor, do not go it alone. The world today is designed to alienate us from those around us - don't let it happen. Build up a community around you that is pro-marriage, pro-family. We must fight for our marriages. But know this - if you take on this challenge, you will meet obstacles.

Ephesians 6:12 (NLT)

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

My husband and I have resolved together that divorce is not an option for us. It is the legacy of my heritage, and I want my children and the generations after them to have a better foundation. But taking this stand, by resolving that we will not divorce - we have set ourselves up for attacks, struggles, and issues. And we have had them - financially being the #1 issue - which is one of the top reasons couples divorce. We want to be different, sanctified, set apart. To keep our marriage together, to not let it fall victim to the schemes of the enemy, we have had to work and invest in our marriage. We have attended seminars, we go on dates just the two of us, we spend time with other couples who share our values, we talk and assess how our marriage is doing. Daily we tell each other we love each other, we are affectionate as often as possible (1 Corinthians 7:5 - Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.), we surprise the other with tokens of appreciation. We tend to our marriage as you tend to a plant - it can only produce fruit if it is properly cared for.

I will end this with the marriage chapter of 1 Corinthians (Chapter 7: 1-16):

Principles for Marriage

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

PARENTING: Raising Superman

It's a bird!
It's a plane!
It's Super Stone!

This little man is over the moon about his new superman costume. One of the sweetest widows in our church, Tommie Lee, bought this for Stone this weekend. She had gifted Abigail with a necklace, and Stone looked at her like, "ummm did you forget me." A few hours later he was the proud owner of his own super hero costume.

As soon as we were home from church Sunday night, he had to put it on. He ran around this house, posing like a super hero, and making strong man sounds. Plenty of grunts from the little man.

Unfortunately - he has not had many opportunities since then to wear it. Last week parenting Abigail was...awkward. This week, parenting Stone is a full time job. I will give him credit, at school he is doing great. But at home, with mommy and daddy. Nope. We are throwing fits about everything. and I do mean EVERYTHING:

• Sister turned the tv in the playroom off. Because mommy asked her to do it. - FIT
• Sister threw away her deflated balloon. FIT - And grabbed it out of the trash and threw it back in, then stormed over to mommy saying Abigail threw it away (as if she wasn't supposed to).
• Mommy selected clothes to wear to school - FIT - wanted to stay in bear pajamas all day.
• Asked to finish the food he himself picked out - FIT
• Sister asked for a banana for breakfast - FIT
• Daddy said go to your room so we can talk - FIT

If it wasn't so frustrating it might be comical. A friend actually posted last night, "Please convince my husband that toddlers throw fits over the most RIDICULOUS things...." then proceeded to comment why her toddler son threw a fit. Almost 10 other parents shared the ridiculous things that caused toddler fits in their house.

This is not a new season for us. Abigail was 22 months old when Stone was born, and at about her 2 1/2 year mark I do remember constant frustration of trying to get her to stop throwing fits - mainly because they made Stone (then about 8 months) start a crying fit. We survived that chapter with her and we will with him. Currently he has lost the privilege of tv and videos. This week my children are not allowed to watch cartoons, movies, or short video clips. Period.

Yes, even Abigail. There is no way possible to allow her the privilege without more fits from Stone. And, she honestly doesn't seem to mind. Last night was rather enjoyable (minus Stone's fits). While he had his super hero costume on, she grabbed just about every princess/fairy/elf costume she had and they dressed up all evening. Both bedrooms and the play room were a hot mess - but for the most part they were happy and playing. I always seemed amazed what my children do when the tv is turned off. If it wasn't so wet outside from all the rain this past weekend, and the mosquito's weren't in massive armies I would send them outside. They love playing with chalk, sliding the slide, playing with blocks/trucks, and looking for rollie pollies. Letting them use their imagination is a wonderful thing.

This morning Brock & I had to talk with Stone that if his fits do not stop, he will lose more of his belongings. We have done this with Abigail before, and we have not had to repeat the experience with her. Just a mention and her behavior improves. I remember it clearly. She was just a tyrant with her fits so we took everything out:

• toys
• dollhouse
• books
• rocking chair
• decorative pillows
• art work
• and the playroom closed

She had her bed, her pillow, her sheet and comforter, a lamp, and her sound machine. And in time (about a 2 week period) she earned her items back. She was polite, she did "chores", she got good reports from school. And like I said, we have not had to repeat the process since.

I hope we don't have to go to that extreme with Stone. and it is purely vanity. When we removed everything from her room, all of her stuff went into our room - the only place she could not get into to play with it. And if we do it to him, I see it all going into my room. But, if we have to, we will do it. The Bible is filled with verses on parenting, commands to do it, the blessings of biblical parenting. My husband and I take God's word to heart. We know that we are not raising Stone to be a good boy. We are raising him to be a young man, who serves God and his community.

• Psalms 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
• Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
• Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
• Proverbs 1:8-9 Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.
• Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
• Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
• Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
• Proverbs 23:13-14 (KJV) Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

PARENTING: Hard Work and Worth it!

Parenting is hard work, and if you think it is easy peasy, well you are not doing it right.
Parenting is also some of the most rewarding work you will ever experience.

I heard a pastor I love listening to say last week, "If your child graduates and you are not sad at them leaving - you did it all wrong." Parenting is raising an individual to be beneficial to society and a blessing to be around. There is nothing wrong with being joyful that high school is over, but if you are doing jumping jacks that your child will not be in your house anymore, you do not have a right relationship with your child.

Every stage of life will have its trials.

• newborn - you need sleep and are not getting it (unless your child is that 1 in a million child who sleeps perfectly from birth - and if you have/had that child, hush the rest of us do not want to know!)
• toddler - potty training, speech development, sleep regressions (I am here)
• pre-k/kinder - independence, appropriate behaviors, acceptable boundaries (I am here too)
• elementary - homework, play dates, science fair, bff's
• jr high - first loves, introduction to puberty, heartbreak, homework
• high school - homework, part time jobs, college prep, gf/bf,
• college/career/military/adulthood - move/stay, community/out of state, marry high school sweetheart, travel abroad
• beyond - marriage, ministry, children/no children, country or suburbs.

And through it all, you are there, guiding and directing the best of your ability. You will make mistakes (yelling in reaction instead of speaking calmly like ALL the books say to do), you will apologize (yes, you do need to apologize to the tiny people (or not so tiny if they are older) in your life), you will learn.

Last week, parenting my daughter was hard. The owner of the preschool my children attend is a near and dear friend. I have sought her biblical wisdom & council many times, and she has been a tremendous blessing to my family in too many ways to count over the last 6 years. She called me one evening, later than normal, and I knew that it was probably not for a good reason.

My 4 1/2 year old had asked a boy in her class if her breast were small. He told her not to talk about that, she asked again, then he said he was telling the teacher (shout out to his parents - he did the right thing). Abigail knew she probably shouldn't have been talking about/like that because she got upset and started saying, No don't tell. Her teacher got involved, asked the right questions, then took the situation to the owner. My daughter had commented that my husband said that my chest was too small and so she wanted to know if hers was. My friend was respectful and offered condolences for this very awkward situation.

Abigail was already asleep - so talking about this issue would have to wait until the morning. When she awoke, and was coherent, her and I talked. She tried to deny the situation at first, but then came clean. I reassured her that she is "fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14 (NIV)  and that since she is created by God, she is made just right. Then I went over with her the concept of the private box. I learned the concept from a former co-worker who did the science and Bible class at the preschool. I had Abigail draw a box, starting at her neck, over to her arm pits, down her sides to just below her hips, and back toward the center (see picture). I explained that the area inside is her private box. And if she has a question about anything inside that box there are only a few people she should talk to about it: mommy, daddy, a grandparent, her doctor, or her teacher. But she should not talk to her friends about things that pertain to inside the box. She seemed to understand. She then had a conversation with her father before drop off at school. He explained that the comment she made saying daddy had said mommy was small chested was a lie and it made him look bad. So - one event had us parenting about privacy, our bodies, and lying.

We have further talked because it was concerning to me that my 4 1/2 year old would ask such a question. Dealing with body issues was not something I was ready for just yet. I thought those topics did come up for about 8 more years. So this week I will be re-reading a great book I recommend to anyone with a daughter:


"Bringing Up Girls" by Dr. James Dobson.

"Based on extensive research, and handled with Dr. Dobson’s trademark down-to-earth approach, Bringing Up Girls will equip parents like you to face the challenges of raising your daughters to become healthy, happy, and successful women who overcome challenges specific to girls and women today and who ultimately excel in life." http://www.bringingupgirls.com/


I bought the book within a week of us finding out we were expecting a girl with our first pregnancy. It was highly informative, and I cannot recommend it enough. He also has a book about raising up boys - I bought it when we found out our 2nd born was to be a boy. After I refresh myself with "Brining Up Girls" I plan on re-reading "Bringing Up Boys."

The talks that we have had, Abigail and I, have been beneficial. I am making a point to talk to her about her day more. I ask her questions about her friends, her teachers, the topics they are reviewing. We are having more mommy/daughter time. She loves to be read to, and since she has a good base knowledge of sight words she is excited when she can read the words in the books. I am steering away some from the princess stories - just for now. I don't want her focusing on the "pretty princess" necessarily right now. So we are reading our Bible stories, My Little Pony adventures, puppy pirates, and animal books. She has even made a point to tell me at pick up that she didn't talk about her private box that day. She is a hoot, and I love her.

Parenting is hard work. You get into a groove, think things are going well, and then life happens. I hope that when the time comes I will be happy my kids are moving on because I have prepared them, but sad because it will be the end of a chapter. I do not want to be a parent who can't wait for my kids to be gone. I want them with me always, but I am not raising them for that. I am raising them to go forward, to move on and out, and to do what God has called them to do.

MARRIAGE: Our 6th Anniversary & Ruth Chapter 4

This morning in church, Pastor Jon finished up a series out of the Book of Ruth, with a sermon titled "All's Well That Ends Well".

I love the Book of Ruth. It is proof that there can be good mother/daughter-in-law relationships. 

But even more so, it is picture of Christs love the church. Boaz represents Jesus - both from Bethlehem, both men of integrity, wealthy, and redeemers. Ruth is you and me. Our history is undesirable (Moab: Psalm 60:8(ESV) "Moab is my washbasin; upon Edom I cast my shoe; over Philistia I shout in triumph.”), and like Ruth we needed saving, we were lost, and ultimately redeemed.

Pastor Jon has been going over life applications from each chapter of Ruth. And today he diescussed the wedding chapter of Ruth. But before the wedding could happen, Boaz had to go before a closer kinsman redeemer, and give him an opportunity to take on the role. In the end, Boaz became the redeemer, married Ruth who in turn became the Great Grandmother to King David - and apart of the ancestry of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

The application for the sermon today was this: to have a "happy ending" two things need to happen:

1. God has to do something.
2. I have to do something.

In every circumstance we can be reassured of two things when it comes to God, He is always watching, and He is working:

• in me (strengthening me, working on my heart)
•  1 Peter 1:6-7 (ESV)
• In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

• developing my character
• for me
• thru me
• 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (ESV) God of All Comfort
  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

When it comes to my part, I am called to:

• give God plenty of time 

• Ecclesiastes 3:11(ESV) He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

• make a personal commitment to Jesus

• Ruth 1:16 (ESV) But Ruth said, “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.

• make a public confession of faith

Nine individuals obeyed that last edict this morning during the second service. It was so lovely to see people make professions of faith. It felt fitting that Jon preached about the marriage of Ruth and Boaz on the 6th anniversary of him officiating the marriage of Brock and I.

June 4, 2010

The day I married a wonderful man. Who yesterday sent me away for some alone time. And upon my return, my house was quiet. He had arranged for my parents to keep the kids over night. Him and I went to dinner and enjoyed an evening - just the two of us. Talking and strengthening our marriage. I am a blessed woman.